Saturday, February 26, 2011

RollerCoaster

The last post was Dec 31st.
Zomg.
Now it's Feb 26th.
Z-Z-Zomg.

Actually I'm just updating cause I told Sherlyn that I'd be updating later and I figured I won't be updating later as in Saturday's later. As in, 9pm onwards kind of later. But I promised a post later and now's technically later than previously so I'm not renegading on my promise.

If you didn't understand any of that, tl;dr: Yay I'm updating.

Having tonsillitis for the [Just got super distracted for like half an hour reading about Charmed] past week has sucked bad. not able to go to work, can't really go out and it's just annoying overall.

kk i just realized i don't have much to blog about.
maybe i should just close this blog.

i dont have that urge to blog anymore. i don't know why. i guess it's because i don't find blogging a need anymore, not even a want. i don't need somewhere to express my emotions when, well, i have friends. and blogging has lost its interest, it's spark for me.

i think i need to blog in my regular fashion. disjointed sentences have always been the best for me. because at the end of the day i look back at my posts and i remember exactly what im talking about.

2 years ago i never would have expected all this to happen. things have changed, they've changed so much in a way in a fashion that just blows my mind. i guess i have the great Father up there to thank for all of this because without His hand in my life, tonight never would have happened. maybe today wouldn't even have happened. maybe there wouldn't even be a today.

i mean, relationships have changed so much. no wait, friendships rather. let's face it, without His help I probably never would have healed my friendships with people like A, K and G. why do i keep their identities secret? i dunno, guess it's just something i wanna do.

a level results are coming out and im scared. army's coming around and im excited. but the former's before the latter and that could make it either awesome or horrifying and ive this terrible feeling that it's the latter.

sometimes i feel so overcome with emotion that it chokes me up and i have nowhere i can unleash all this emotion. yes i have Him up there but sometimes we just want a real-world physical outlet and its scary because sometimes i just cant control it and it all comes bursting out in a torrent of energy that can be either so creative or so destructive or both.

sometimes i really wonder if im crazy and whether other people have such experiences of wanting to unleash all their emotion. i feel like im trapped inside a bubble that just wont burst and i need it to burst because im going insane with all my pent-up energies just firing around the bubble and smashing back into me and re-energizing me and then firing out again and oh god it's so scary. im afraid one day that im actually crazy and all these energy is just going manifest itself in a violent outburst which is uncharacteristic and i figure its actually highly unlikely but it could and it might and oh god that's just really frightening.

i guess this is expected from the guy who likes to imagine an octopus climbing up the MJC rockwall while running around the track. that's normal for me. john lennon is normal for me. i can hear a sound and see a triangle for me and thats just weird and not normal and i dont want to be normal but i dont want to be this abnormal as well.

life is so uncertain for me and theres just additional pressure coming from nearby sources that i know i have to deal with and i know i have to deal with it positively like not seeing it as pressure in the first place. but oh lord i just cant and its difficult because at the end of the day im just nineteen and i cant deal with this kind of stuff. i dont care that other nineteen-year-old kids or younger have shown greater bravery or greater fortitude because eff them my life is different from them my life is so much more different in ways that may or may not be good. but its so different and how am i supposed to show that kind of bravery and fortitude and its sickening when people tell me i need to do this or do that because this is what brave people do. well suck it i say because not everyone can be brave all the time.

for that matter im kinda sick of people taking me for granted. not that im saying certain people take me for granted consciously in a 'let's abuse him' kind of way but their actions certainly reflect that because they expect me to be up-to-standard 100% and hello i don't know your freaking standard so make it clear before expecting me to live up to it. i cant read your mind and i cant predict what you say and it frustrates me when people just cancel this and cancel that with me and are all like 'i'm so sorry' and sorry but sorry doesnt bring back the time i set aside for you and to spend time with you but dont worry you just go ahead and cancel and i'll just smile and say it's okay. because im the nice guy and if i don't say that, i'm suddenly the bad guy who's all mean and shit and what the hell like i'm not allowed to be displeased at inconveniences to myself especially when these inconveniences are retarded.

not that all cancellations are inconsiderate but there's times when oh screw this this point should be very clear and im not going to bother spending time explaining how my aforementioned point(s) should be taken with context and people saying 'but some cancellations are okay' and yeah they are but i cant be bothered to explain every single scenario because people are too stupid to look at posts and spend some time thinking.

i hate it when people cancel on me because i really set aside time to invest in spending time with that person and when its cancelled i've got to re-figure out what im going to do with the little time i have. 24hours a day is enough and its more than enough if stupid little things stop getting in my way.

perhaps this is why i have so much pent up energy because little stuff just builds up and all the resentment and annoyance and anger just gathers and gathers and subconsciously feeds into me and i have no idea where all the excess energy is coming from. and that's why i need to release it before i explode into some violent rage because the root of this energy is negative and i sound like some retarded chi idiot that's going you need to focus all your negative chi and expel it or else some ten-headed dragon is going to come up and mess up this world.

i was angry at my friend
i told him so my wrath did end
oh how unlikely. in this world you cant even tell someone you're angry without them judging you and then telling others so others can judge you omg he's angry about that but that's so trivial and everything he's so petty and blah blah blah i hope a giraffe kicks you so hard that the vaccines are destroyed and you have to get immunized again.

i dont want to be taken for granted and told about how im such a nice guy
because if nice guy means you can bully me and take advantage of me then i dont like being the nice guy.

at the end of the road i still very much like my life but why must there be these tiny imperfections that are so jarring.

screw this.
i've got family
and i've got friends who can be considered family.
and i really wanted to end on a positive note but once again i feel energy swelling up inside of me and my limbs tremble and i wanna just jump out of my seat and jump around for like minutes until all the energy is gone but that's just crazy which is suitable because at the end of the day i think im crazy for being a nice guy.

nice guys dont finish last.
they just don't finish at all.

...
and yes i think blogging still works sometimes.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Year past, year come.







What does 2010 mean to me?

I'd type out a long post.
But sometimes pictures just say it so much better.

...
and yes it's time for Watchnight Service =)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Journeys and Returns

Are you back yet?
Cause you've gone and you've left and I stood behind and just watched
and it was painful because i was behind
and it was painful because i watched
and you went and you left and there was nothing i could do about it

and now you're back but it doesn't feel like you're back
i would rush to meet you love to meet you love to be with you
love you
but you've gone and you've returned and no no something's missing

you went over the edge and you got hurt cause you dropped something
yes
something dropped didnt i yes it did it dropped and you can't find it
and you tell me you cant find it and i watch and i hurt inside

i just want to hug you and tell you that it will be okay
that i've been here and i'm here and i will be here
forever and ever
but forever and ever means nothing to you
because forever and ever isnt a happy ending of the fairytale
but the cruel, brutal sharp murder of happiness

oh temporal happiness.

there isn't any forever and ever for you
but we could be together forever and ever yes we can yes we can we can you must believe me
forever and ever means nothing to you
but if i cannot be with you and make you happy forever and ever
then i will just stand behind
and hurt and just hurt and continue hurting and continue watching

because if i cannot give you forever and ever
then i will hurt you
and forever and ever i will never do that i promise
but i want to so bad
please give me a chance
cause i think i really really really like you.

...
and yes, i blog weirdly cause i take literature.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Far Too Long, Far Too Fast.

It's been 2 years. time's just slipped us by, sometimes flowing sometimes gushing yet always evading my attempts to catch it in my hands; to retain that moment of time in my cupped hands and drink from it to savour every bit of the emotion that lies within.

i wish i could say i can't believe that the scholars are gone, but i can believe it. maybe that's the saddest part, that i've already accepted that 5 people who were there with me throughout my council life are now overseas and i remain jadedly pessimistic that we will ever have a reunion anytime in the future. perhaps 10, 20 years from now we will all meet up again to talk about the memories that we have had and have forged and will forge and it just won't be the same.

i want the water in my cupped hands. i want to drink from it, i want to keep it in a bottle, a crystallized captured moment of the happiness that is council. even now my hands shake, my arms tremble as emotion threatens to overcome me. it overcame me yesterday at the departure hall, the last vestiges of whatever self-control i had finally breaking down as the last of the 5 departed. it hurt, it really hurt so bad. and it hurt worse to see him hurt so bad.

if i could capture just one second of that fleeting, that damned fleeting happiness, i'd put it in a crystal bottle and leave it next to my bed. every morning i'd wake and look at it and see how much potential happiness there is for me and for the others in my life and i'd always have a good day as i search for that same degree of happiness. memories surface and fade away, just as the tendrils of my mind desperately clutch at the ebbing tides of emotions; i can't get it, i can't capture it, i can't keep it.

i want to take that crystallized happiness and show it to the others, show them and remind that we had so much fun; we were so happy. how can anyone not be happy when they see that kind of happiness. it's not the fake smiles that i see nor the masked falsities, i see the joy shining out of everyone's eyes. it doesn't matter whether their lips move cause it shines in their eyes. that's why i have the council photo as my computer background and i think i always will.

Always always changes but maybe i can make this change constant.

my mind's a muddle, emotions surging and overwhelming me till i can hardly breathe at times. the despair and the pain of farewells threatens to leave me choking yet the fond joy of chalet and whatnot trembles my entire being. am I Heathcliff, the byronic romantic that is constantly drowning in thunderous waves of the heart's pulse? no, i dont think so, God, i hope not.

it's 1235 and i'm sitting here all alone in my room.
i like it here in my room. alone. all
gone. no one else but me and
my emotions. nice. with others, i am swept off
alone i am with myself and myself.

still my hands shake, my arms tremble.
but if this is what it means to experience emotions,
i'd have it no other way.

...
and yes, still the waves of intensity lap gently against the shore.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

STC

It's been long.
Way too long.

Short post, shouldn't even be blogging. The Saturday Sabbath is over and I'm technically cutting into my Sunday study time. Should be sleeping.

But meh.

I don't like exams very much. They change people, stress changes people. It makes them hasty and clipped and short-tempered and less approachable. And I hope I've been neither victim nor perpetrator of that.

Just 2.5 months left to go, gotta stick it out. Just gotta stick it out. Everything will return to the norm after As, we'll be hanging out and laughing and chillaxing like nothing ever changed.

So why is it, then, that deep down
I keep trying to tell myself nothing's changed.
When I know so much has changed.
And no one else seems to ever notice?

....
And yes, I am not fond of this change. Not fond at all.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Mirrors and Reflections

I wonder how you feel when we four walk together.
cause even amongst the closest of friends
there's always a bit of an inferiority complex.
there's always that someone who feels ugly.

dammit
how can i find a place where I won't be judged;
when the place inside of me is judge, jury and executioner.

he's got something
she's got something
he's got something
i've got self-esteem issues.

dammit
why do comments like 'you're ugly' have to hurt so much.

...
and yes, i know it's banal.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Gifts and Needs

my dad's been coughing. my mum's been coughing. and my throat is beginning to hurt, feeling raw and dry.

Getting back the KI paper was a rude shock for me. Not so much that I failed, but that I failed because I screwed up the language component. And this has never happened before. And it shocks and horrifies me, it really does. Because something that I've taken as so natural and for-granted is suddenly conspiciously missing from my writing.

Some people might think I'm making too big a deal out of this. But come on, everyone has their own little fears that may or may not make sense. Perhaps this is a one-off thing; I certainly hope it is. Because with all the other glaring flaws in my studying-system, having to work on something that I've never even had to worry about is just not going to be helpful in any way, shape or form.

I guess a large part of this shock comes from the realization that I'm really just not that good.

I've always told people that the reason I care for others is because, well, innately I do want to care. And that is true of course. Yet, I think it's only being honest when I admit that I do it also because I've always had this unshakable confidence in myself. Yes, despite the self-recognition that I have got gaps in my being wide enough to drive a truck through, I still hold this core belief that I'm going to make a real difference. It's not about a philanthropic point of view, or even a pseudo-philanthropic point of view, it's more of a:

"I am going to do this. And I will do it because I am good enough. And you are not going to stop me"

kind of thing. And that's pretty much the viewpoint I've had on life. At the core of everything I do - mixed in with that genuine care is also a darker selfish desire to do what I want. I suppose it's a good thing that at least I pursue things that are (mostly) beneficial.

But lately, that's been challenged. And I don't mean just by the exams even though that's definitely a sizable component of it.

I've watched a friend for the past few days and visibly seen him struggle. And I don't need our MSN convoes or real-life conversations to know that something isn't right. This friend has come from being a youth I barely knew last year to someone whom I feel so absolutely comfortable with. It's not bromantic, it's what I know is a real friendship.

People who question what to 'know" means and try to bring in all that epistemological and JTB crap are going to fail at breaking this down. I know, cause I've tried. And at the end of the day, I know that it is a real friendship. It's a friendship that has been won through a dogged determination to never give up because I see something so amazing and so beautiful inside him. And no matter how much he pushed me away (and still does sometimes), I resolved (and still do) that this is but a test of how much I'm willing to invest to make something work. Because if you try hard enough, it will work. I've fought hard, fought tooth and nail for this; I've endured countless nights and days of self-doubt and wondering whether I'm doing this for the sake of doing it or because I truly believe that there's something worthwhile inside him that he's not letting shine..

It's always the latter I go back to, it's always the latter.

And when you've gone through all of this, seeing him troubled and struggling compels you to help. I'm not tempted to help, I'm not obliged to help. I'm compelled in heart and soul to do so because I care.

But even as I try to help, I reflect on my life. And when he mentions the word 'illusion', it stops me.
Because then I wonder: Do I see illusions? Or am I living in delusion? What about myself?

You see, it's hard to give advice without first believing in that advice yourself. And this very advice that I give him was something I truly believed in.

Yet now, looking back at what I've said, I'm just beginning to question whether it's founded on something that is a foundation. Or if it's founded on one little boy's futile attempt to make a difference in a world that could use one.

Because this little boy wants to make a difference to the world with his heart.

And as always, I find my heart returning to that one question. That one question that is the amalgamation of both love and selfishness:

Does anyone want to make a difference for me?

At the end of the day, I am truly driven by these two emotions. And I try so hard, and believe so damn hard that I can make a difference. And that's why I go all out to love and to work for what I want, because I believe that what I want can truly bring about this beautiful change for others.

I'm doing unto others what I want done unto me.
And I don't think it's unfair to say that I do give alot.
But at some point, I pause, even if just briefly, to wonder:
when do people start giving back?



...
and yes, I'm (feeling) all out of love.