Saturday, February 26, 2011

RollerCoaster

The last post was Dec 31st.
Zomg.
Now it's Feb 26th.
Z-Z-Zomg.

Actually I'm just updating cause I told Sherlyn that I'd be updating later and I figured I won't be updating later as in Saturday's later. As in, 9pm onwards kind of later. But I promised a post later and now's technically later than previously so I'm not renegading on my promise.

If you didn't understand any of that, tl;dr: Yay I'm updating.

Having tonsillitis for the [Just got super distracted for like half an hour reading about Charmed] past week has sucked bad. not able to go to work, can't really go out and it's just annoying overall.

kk i just realized i don't have much to blog about.
maybe i should just close this blog.

i dont have that urge to blog anymore. i don't know why. i guess it's because i don't find blogging a need anymore, not even a want. i don't need somewhere to express my emotions when, well, i have friends. and blogging has lost its interest, it's spark for me.

i think i need to blog in my regular fashion. disjointed sentences have always been the best for me. because at the end of the day i look back at my posts and i remember exactly what im talking about.

2 years ago i never would have expected all this to happen. things have changed, they've changed so much in a way in a fashion that just blows my mind. i guess i have the great Father up there to thank for all of this because without His hand in my life, tonight never would have happened. maybe today wouldn't even have happened. maybe there wouldn't even be a today.

i mean, relationships have changed so much. no wait, friendships rather. let's face it, without His help I probably never would have healed my friendships with people like A, K and G. why do i keep their identities secret? i dunno, guess it's just something i wanna do.

a level results are coming out and im scared. army's coming around and im excited. but the former's before the latter and that could make it either awesome or horrifying and ive this terrible feeling that it's the latter.

sometimes i feel so overcome with emotion that it chokes me up and i have nowhere i can unleash all this emotion. yes i have Him up there but sometimes we just want a real-world physical outlet and its scary because sometimes i just cant control it and it all comes bursting out in a torrent of energy that can be either so creative or so destructive or both.

sometimes i really wonder if im crazy and whether other people have such experiences of wanting to unleash all their emotion. i feel like im trapped inside a bubble that just wont burst and i need it to burst because im going insane with all my pent-up energies just firing around the bubble and smashing back into me and re-energizing me and then firing out again and oh god it's so scary. im afraid one day that im actually crazy and all these energy is just going manifest itself in a violent outburst which is uncharacteristic and i figure its actually highly unlikely but it could and it might and oh god that's just really frightening.

i guess this is expected from the guy who likes to imagine an octopus climbing up the MJC rockwall while running around the track. that's normal for me. john lennon is normal for me. i can hear a sound and see a triangle for me and thats just weird and not normal and i dont want to be normal but i dont want to be this abnormal as well.

life is so uncertain for me and theres just additional pressure coming from nearby sources that i know i have to deal with and i know i have to deal with it positively like not seeing it as pressure in the first place. but oh lord i just cant and its difficult because at the end of the day im just nineteen and i cant deal with this kind of stuff. i dont care that other nineteen-year-old kids or younger have shown greater bravery or greater fortitude because eff them my life is different from them my life is so much more different in ways that may or may not be good. but its so different and how am i supposed to show that kind of bravery and fortitude and its sickening when people tell me i need to do this or do that because this is what brave people do. well suck it i say because not everyone can be brave all the time.

for that matter im kinda sick of people taking me for granted. not that im saying certain people take me for granted consciously in a 'let's abuse him' kind of way but their actions certainly reflect that because they expect me to be up-to-standard 100% and hello i don't know your freaking standard so make it clear before expecting me to live up to it. i cant read your mind and i cant predict what you say and it frustrates me when people just cancel this and cancel that with me and are all like 'i'm so sorry' and sorry but sorry doesnt bring back the time i set aside for you and to spend time with you but dont worry you just go ahead and cancel and i'll just smile and say it's okay. because im the nice guy and if i don't say that, i'm suddenly the bad guy who's all mean and shit and what the hell like i'm not allowed to be displeased at inconveniences to myself especially when these inconveniences are retarded.

not that all cancellations are inconsiderate but there's times when oh screw this this point should be very clear and im not going to bother spending time explaining how my aforementioned point(s) should be taken with context and people saying 'but some cancellations are okay' and yeah they are but i cant be bothered to explain every single scenario because people are too stupid to look at posts and spend some time thinking.

i hate it when people cancel on me because i really set aside time to invest in spending time with that person and when its cancelled i've got to re-figure out what im going to do with the little time i have. 24hours a day is enough and its more than enough if stupid little things stop getting in my way.

perhaps this is why i have so much pent up energy because little stuff just builds up and all the resentment and annoyance and anger just gathers and gathers and subconsciously feeds into me and i have no idea where all the excess energy is coming from. and that's why i need to release it before i explode into some violent rage because the root of this energy is negative and i sound like some retarded chi idiot that's going you need to focus all your negative chi and expel it or else some ten-headed dragon is going to come up and mess up this world.

i was angry at my friend
i told him so my wrath did end
oh how unlikely. in this world you cant even tell someone you're angry without them judging you and then telling others so others can judge you omg he's angry about that but that's so trivial and everything he's so petty and blah blah blah i hope a giraffe kicks you so hard that the vaccines are destroyed and you have to get immunized again.

i dont want to be taken for granted and told about how im such a nice guy
because if nice guy means you can bully me and take advantage of me then i dont like being the nice guy.

at the end of the road i still very much like my life but why must there be these tiny imperfections that are so jarring.

screw this.
i've got family
and i've got friends who can be considered family.
and i really wanted to end on a positive note but once again i feel energy swelling up inside of me and my limbs tremble and i wanna just jump out of my seat and jump around for like minutes until all the energy is gone but that's just crazy which is suitable because at the end of the day i think im crazy for being a nice guy.

nice guys dont finish last.
they just don't finish at all.

...
and yes i think blogging still works sometimes.