Monday, December 13, 2010

Far Too Long, Far Too Fast.

It's been 2 years. time's just slipped us by, sometimes flowing sometimes gushing yet always evading my attempts to catch it in my hands; to retain that moment of time in my cupped hands and drink from it to savour every bit of the emotion that lies within.

i wish i could say i can't believe that the scholars are gone, but i can believe it. maybe that's the saddest part, that i've already accepted that 5 people who were there with me throughout my council life are now overseas and i remain jadedly pessimistic that we will ever have a reunion anytime in the future. perhaps 10, 20 years from now we will all meet up again to talk about the memories that we have had and have forged and will forge and it just won't be the same.

i want the water in my cupped hands. i want to drink from it, i want to keep it in a bottle, a crystallized captured moment of the happiness that is council. even now my hands shake, my arms tremble as emotion threatens to overcome me. it overcame me yesterday at the departure hall, the last vestiges of whatever self-control i had finally breaking down as the last of the 5 departed. it hurt, it really hurt so bad. and it hurt worse to see him hurt so bad.

if i could capture just one second of that fleeting, that damned fleeting happiness, i'd put it in a crystal bottle and leave it next to my bed. every morning i'd wake and look at it and see how much potential happiness there is for me and for the others in my life and i'd always have a good day as i search for that same degree of happiness. memories surface and fade away, just as the tendrils of my mind desperately clutch at the ebbing tides of emotions; i can't get it, i can't capture it, i can't keep it.

i want to take that crystallized happiness and show it to the others, show them and remind that we had so much fun; we were so happy. how can anyone not be happy when they see that kind of happiness. it's not the fake smiles that i see nor the masked falsities, i see the joy shining out of everyone's eyes. it doesn't matter whether their lips move cause it shines in their eyes. that's why i have the council photo as my computer background and i think i always will.

Always always changes but maybe i can make this change constant.

my mind's a muddle, emotions surging and overwhelming me till i can hardly breathe at times. the despair and the pain of farewells threatens to leave me choking yet the fond joy of chalet and whatnot trembles my entire being. am I Heathcliff, the byronic romantic that is constantly drowning in thunderous waves of the heart's pulse? no, i dont think so, God, i hope not.

it's 1235 and i'm sitting here all alone in my room.
i like it here in my room. alone. all
gone. no one else but me and
my emotions. nice. with others, i am swept off
alone i am with myself and myself.

still my hands shake, my arms tremble.
but if this is what it means to experience emotions,
i'd have it no other way.

...
and yes, still the waves of intensity lap gently against the shore.