Monday, July 12, 2010

Gifts and Needs

my dad's been coughing. my mum's been coughing. and my throat is beginning to hurt, feeling raw and dry.

Getting back the KI paper was a rude shock for me. Not so much that I failed, but that I failed because I screwed up the language component. And this has never happened before. And it shocks and horrifies me, it really does. Because something that I've taken as so natural and for-granted is suddenly conspiciously missing from my writing.

Some people might think I'm making too big a deal out of this. But come on, everyone has their own little fears that may or may not make sense. Perhaps this is a one-off thing; I certainly hope it is. Because with all the other glaring flaws in my studying-system, having to work on something that I've never even had to worry about is just not going to be helpful in any way, shape or form.

I guess a large part of this shock comes from the realization that I'm really just not that good.

I've always told people that the reason I care for others is because, well, innately I do want to care. And that is true of course. Yet, I think it's only being honest when I admit that I do it also because I've always had this unshakable confidence in myself. Yes, despite the self-recognition that I have got gaps in my being wide enough to drive a truck through, I still hold this core belief that I'm going to make a real difference. It's not about a philanthropic point of view, or even a pseudo-philanthropic point of view, it's more of a:

"I am going to do this. And I will do it because I am good enough. And you are not going to stop me"

kind of thing. And that's pretty much the viewpoint I've had on life. At the core of everything I do - mixed in with that genuine care is also a darker selfish desire to do what I want. I suppose it's a good thing that at least I pursue things that are (mostly) beneficial.

But lately, that's been challenged. And I don't mean just by the exams even though that's definitely a sizable component of it.

I've watched a friend for the past few days and visibly seen him struggle. And I don't need our MSN convoes or real-life conversations to know that something isn't right. This friend has come from being a youth I barely knew last year to someone whom I feel so absolutely comfortable with. It's not bromantic, it's what I know is a real friendship.

People who question what to 'know" means and try to bring in all that epistemological and JTB crap are going to fail at breaking this down. I know, cause I've tried. And at the end of the day, I know that it is a real friendship. It's a friendship that has been won through a dogged determination to never give up because I see something so amazing and so beautiful inside him. And no matter how much he pushed me away (and still does sometimes), I resolved (and still do) that this is but a test of how much I'm willing to invest to make something work. Because if you try hard enough, it will work. I've fought hard, fought tooth and nail for this; I've endured countless nights and days of self-doubt and wondering whether I'm doing this for the sake of doing it or because I truly believe that there's something worthwhile inside him that he's not letting shine..

It's always the latter I go back to, it's always the latter.

And when you've gone through all of this, seeing him troubled and struggling compels you to help. I'm not tempted to help, I'm not obliged to help. I'm compelled in heart and soul to do so because I care.

But even as I try to help, I reflect on my life. And when he mentions the word 'illusion', it stops me.
Because then I wonder: Do I see illusions? Or am I living in delusion? What about myself?

You see, it's hard to give advice without first believing in that advice yourself. And this very advice that I give him was something I truly believed in.

Yet now, looking back at what I've said, I'm just beginning to question whether it's founded on something that is a foundation. Or if it's founded on one little boy's futile attempt to make a difference in a world that could use one.

Because this little boy wants to make a difference to the world with his heart.

And as always, I find my heart returning to that one question. That one question that is the amalgamation of both love and selfishness:

Does anyone want to make a difference for me?

At the end of the day, I am truly driven by these two emotions. And I try so hard, and believe so damn hard that I can make a difference. And that's why I go all out to love and to work for what I want, because I believe that what I want can truly bring about this beautiful change for others.

I'm doing unto others what I want done unto me.
And I don't think it's unfair to say that I do give alot.
But at some point, I pause, even if just briefly, to wonder:
when do people start giving back?



...
and yes, I'm (feeling) all out of love.