Saturday, July 24, 2010

Mirrors and Reflections

I wonder how you feel when we four walk together.
cause even amongst the closest of friends
there's always a bit of an inferiority complex.
there's always that someone who feels ugly.

dammit
how can i find a place where I won't be judged;
when the place inside of me is judge, jury and executioner.

he's got something
she's got something
he's got something
i've got self-esteem issues.

dammit
why do comments like 'you're ugly' have to hurt so much.

...
and yes, i know it's banal.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Gifts and Needs

my dad's been coughing. my mum's been coughing. and my throat is beginning to hurt, feeling raw and dry.

Getting back the KI paper was a rude shock for me. Not so much that I failed, but that I failed because I screwed up the language component. And this has never happened before. And it shocks and horrifies me, it really does. Because something that I've taken as so natural and for-granted is suddenly conspiciously missing from my writing.

Some people might think I'm making too big a deal out of this. But come on, everyone has their own little fears that may or may not make sense. Perhaps this is a one-off thing; I certainly hope it is. Because with all the other glaring flaws in my studying-system, having to work on something that I've never even had to worry about is just not going to be helpful in any way, shape or form.

I guess a large part of this shock comes from the realization that I'm really just not that good.

I've always told people that the reason I care for others is because, well, innately I do want to care. And that is true of course. Yet, I think it's only being honest when I admit that I do it also because I've always had this unshakable confidence in myself. Yes, despite the self-recognition that I have got gaps in my being wide enough to drive a truck through, I still hold this core belief that I'm going to make a real difference. It's not about a philanthropic point of view, or even a pseudo-philanthropic point of view, it's more of a:

"I am going to do this. And I will do it because I am good enough. And you are not going to stop me"

kind of thing. And that's pretty much the viewpoint I've had on life. At the core of everything I do - mixed in with that genuine care is also a darker selfish desire to do what I want. I suppose it's a good thing that at least I pursue things that are (mostly) beneficial.

But lately, that's been challenged. And I don't mean just by the exams even though that's definitely a sizable component of it.

I've watched a friend for the past few days and visibly seen him struggle. And I don't need our MSN convoes or real-life conversations to know that something isn't right. This friend has come from being a youth I barely knew last year to someone whom I feel so absolutely comfortable with. It's not bromantic, it's what I know is a real friendship.

People who question what to 'know" means and try to bring in all that epistemological and JTB crap are going to fail at breaking this down. I know, cause I've tried. And at the end of the day, I know that it is a real friendship. It's a friendship that has been won through a dogged determination to never give up because I see something so amazing and so beautiful inside him. And no matter how much he pushed me away (and still does sometimes), I resolved (and still do) that this is but a test of how much I'm willing to invest to make something work. Because if you try hard enough, it will work. I've fought hard, fought tooth and nail for this; I've endured countless nights and days of self-doubt and wondering whether I'm doing this for the sake of doing it or because I truly believe that there's something worthwhile inside him that he's not letting shine..

It's always the latter I go back to, it's always the latter.

And when you've gone through all of this, seeing him troubled and struggling compels you to help. I'm not tempted to help, I'm not obliged to help. I'm compelled in heart and soul to do so because I care.

But even as I try to help, I reflect on my life. And when he mentions the word 'illusion', it stops me.
Because then I wonder: Do I see illusions? Or am I living in delusion? What about myself?

You see, it's hard to give advice without first believing in that advice yourself. And this very advice that I give him was something I truly believed in.

Yet now, looking back at what I've said, I'm just beginning to question whether it's founded on something that is a foundation. Or if it's founded on one little boy's futile attempt to make a difference in a world that could use one.

Because this little boy wants to make a difference to the world with his heart.

And as always, I find my heart returning to that one question. That one question that is the amalgamation of both love and selfishness:

Does anyone want to make a difference for me?

At the end of the day, I am truly driven by these two emotions. And I try so hard, and believe so damn hard that I can make a difference. And that's why I go all out to love and to work for what I want, because I believe that what I want can truly bring about this beautiful change for others.

I'm doing unto others what I want done unto me.
And I don't think it's unfair to say that I do give alot.
But at some point, I pause, even if just briefly, to wonder:
when do people start giving back?



...
and yes, I'm (feeling) all out of love.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Months, Minutes and Moments

been a long time, over a fortnight since i updated this blog...

gosh no wonder my tutors have been telling me my introduction in essays suck. how boring was that sentence eh?

Past few days have been council council council and a bit of other friends! but for once, it's not the suicidal chionging of proposals to meet deadlines or the endless manual labour; no, it's just pure fun and games!

Wednesday

Lost my virginity with Edmund and Zhi Peng... My Astons' virginity that is. Finally paid a visit to an Astons' outlet, the one near PayaLebar Singpost (Which has that giant Barang Barang sign that will forever haunt me) and ate there. Not that fantastic, certainly not as mind-blowing as I expected anyways. But it was decent fare for great prices and you just can't argue with that. Having an all-guys outing ala VS was great, being able to talk about everything and knowing that no one's going to say "omggg that's disgusting" reminded me of how great VS was. good food and a good night made even better by great company!

Thursday

Arrived uncharacteristically late boo. Met Hannah at 9.45 instead of the pre-arranged 9.30; Alyah came at 10.30. I had enough time to read 8days from cover-to-cover, page-by-page while waiting. We began our little walking/shopping/talking spree by scouting for my breakfast (eventually bought 明虾饺!) and then wandering around aimlessly until ChindeeBear arrived.

Hannah and Alyah decided to patronize New Look while I plonked myself in a chair and looked
bored in typical guy fashion. ChindeeBear arrived characteristically late and made even later by the confusion of L2 and B2 in Ion (seriously, you can't even tell what floor you're on!) and we eventually met at Zara. Which still stocks items that are wayyy out of my budget but nevertheless i am eyeing that super-cute pink tie. at $25 it is a major steal and i will kick myself very hard if I do not make another trip down to grab it.

Went down to Taka where they were having some food-fair. Since Hannah and Alyah were docked out in their traditional malay garb that I shall henceforth refer to as baju kurong , plenty of stall-owners were quick to point out that the food wasn't halal; this was helpful because the gigantic, practically-neon signs that said "PORK!" and the copious amounts of pork on display would have definitely been missed by my small cheena eyes. still, it was nice to see that they were considerate and polite enough to point this non-halal'ness out. ChindeeBear stole some samples before they were offered as samples and then promptly scooted away.

Bad bear. very bad bear.

Ended up going late to Kbox cause we were just having so much fun at Orchard! went down to Prologue and then I did a little wine tasting at a gourmet shop. chindeebear decided not to. visited the gourmet version of cold-storage where we noticed that even the chips were arranged in rows so straight and strict, North Korea would have approved. The cheese section proved a source of amusement; while Hannah searched for her favourite cheese, I amused myself by finding Brie and Roqueforth. Alas, Cheddar eluded me as did the infamous condom-blue cheese. After amusing ourselves, we scooted back to CoffeeBean and Tea-Leaf where our journey of self-discovery first begun for lunch. Bought the Apple Rooboois tea since the trip to Cape Town taught me that at least the tea from Africa is good. the smoked-salmon sandwich was fairly delish even though Hannah chose to describe it as rubbery as I tried to cleave off a section for her and Cindy to devour. my good deeds know no bounds.

nearing two, we left CoffeeBean and Tea-Leaf to head down to the next destination on our trip of fun: TeoHeng!

The kbox session was awesome. Alyah's drama-mama flared up in full-force as she belted out lines from That's Not My Name and Bad Romance in a voice so loud, proud, powerful and shrill that the next-door people gave us strange looks as they filed out of the room, slinking back to their miserable office lives. Some people sang surprisingly well on that day ( yes you bro ^^ ) and yet others sang in a fashion that would have resurrected the dead to kill them again.

Dinner'd at Pastamania with Hadi, ZQ, Jar, MingRong, Mel and Jesslyn and had a great debate about Singapore's culture and how students these days are resorting to more creative ways to relieve stress. Notable examples include punching a wall, punching a bag, punching something, punching someone and suicide. Citizen journalism also came under fire and I'm happy to say that I was the quick provider of many an example of why citizen journalism should be restricted to the smart and the educated. This blog does not qualify as an example, if you're wondering. I am smart and edumacated.

bus ride back with MR, Jar and Hadi was interesting. Posited a theory that Mingrong = Hadi being savagely mauled and beaten since it seemed true given all cases.

Okay, Friday and Sat shall be posted when I wake up or late tonight ( sunday that is ) cause I'm tired and there's a study date later. plus today was epic-fun + tiring.