Sunday, May 16, 2010



i'm really tired and it's 12.30 am and i've been out since 2.30pm.
and i'm really really really tired.
but i need to blog about something which i don't know and probably won't know by the end of this post but i still wanna blog anyways.

i'm going to regret this later when i wake up for church and feel so tempted to sleep in.
but i shall not because my spiritual journey is practically in shambles. and i really feel helpless about it because the root of my happiness and confidence has been shaken.

all the plant imagery recalls plantagenet stuff. and that does not bode well for me.

I think that being so happy can be quite a downfall sometimes. like small setbacks seem so magnified, a small yet significant mar on an otherwise-perfect landscape. and the best thing is that i know that these setbacks are really really minor so complaining about it seems like such a... well, bastardly thing to do I guess. but still, i have a right to voice my frustrations sometimes right?

like hannah said, it's quite a surprising thing that Stick to the iPod lah MMJ actually gives me hope (GMH). it's touching to see how some people really stick up for SC and it shows me that I've really been too judgmental of some people, too quick to form impressions. then there should be something inspiring and insightful here but i'm really tired so the point shall die here.

BLEH

sorry, that needed to come out.

i didn't blog about this before which I guess is kinda weird because it's been a little more than a fortnight since it occurred. but seeing them at the CO concert truly shook me up a bit and made me realize that I still can't (completely) let go of my past. too much negativity that never really got expressed, got set free. And even now, I thinkknow that there's still some lurking somewhere inside of me. And yes, it still hurts.

i think that sometimes, life really is quite hard for me. call this being shallow and immature and what not, but i get really annoyed and irritated with certain groups of people sometimes. and yes, it's probably called jealousy but i won't admit that because i don't want to think of myself as that word in this escapist world i create to hide sometimes. i hate it when i have to work so damn hard to try and form a good impression of myself on others while certain people just have to waltz in and suddenly they're mr/ms popular. Just because.

like, i honestly feel that i'm overlooked sometimes and that people just don't appreciate what i'm doing for them. and to be very honest, this applies to even the people closest to me. and what makes it worse is the very real dilemma of how to respond when people do recognize. because if i say the politically correct "oh no need for thanks, i'm doing this because i really want to', then i won't really be getting the recognition that i want. on the other hand, admitting that i want that praise would be a very hao lian thing to do.

i suppose that i could say something along the lines of "thank you, your recognition of my efforts really motivates me" but even that sounds jolly retarded even at 12.56AM (Damn!). i don't think i'm being whiny here, just that i'm honest enough to voice out a dilemma that i'm sure most people share. and even if most people don't share it, it's my dilemma and i'm troubled and i'm confused.

it's like i can do about fifty 'good deeds' and no one will ever really notice them. but some people just need to do one thing and everyone's overflowing with praise for them. and it makes me sick. it really does. is there some reason that I don't get the praise? there's only so much that a person can give before he needs to take something back in; i'm not some inexhaustible supply or reservoir because i'm very quickly being drained.

maybe cause it's because i tend to give in to other people that few people really consider how i feel about certain issues. like how, despite my best efforts, i'm beginning to really question why i hold on to a certain friendship. it's not that i'm really getting anything out of it except having ideas shot down and care/concern blown to smithereens. and i'm trying to hold on which is exactly the problem because why am I the only one who is trying to hold on? i don't think it's unfair to say that i'm probably the one in the friendship that's consciously making an effort to be nice and take all the fudged-up crap even when i'm really tired and at my limits and I still really really try my best.

because now i'm beginning to wonder why is that i need to try so hard and if i'm just holding on to something that i think is making me happy but really just pushing my emotional limit ever further. why do i need to put in so much effort? why am I the only one in the friendship putting in so much effort?

I think God gave me a caring heart (despite what people might think, I care deeply for others and if you don't know it, you probably haven't given me a chance to show it really) to test me on how much i can take. and well, He doesn't test us more than what He knows we can bear. and I know that he gave me some awesome awesome people so that I can bear so so so much more than if I were but alone. But, i think my true tests arises from the knowledge that I am so willing to invest so much time and effort and heart and soul into caring for others; not just to see a smile on their face, but to feel a warmth in their heart. i want to be that kind of person that can really cheer up a person just by being with them because they know that I love them so much. and it's the fact that I'm willing to throw myself against the odds and all the machine-gun fire that others shoot that really hurts me sometimes. having my love and effort torn apart by people who don't take the time to understand that I need something back sometimes. having to withdraw, agonized and bleeding, because some people just don't care about me anywhere near as much as I care for them.

and what's best?
like a fool, i do it again.

i'm not a river, a reservoir, a sea of inexhaustible love. i want to be, God knows, i want to be. but i'm not God, I'm not Jesus, and I can't do it. I'll try, oh yes, I definitely will try my utmost best to be that reservoir of love. but i don't know how long more i can keep it up before i break.

because, sometimes, i think that i'm really stupid.

...
and yes, this is my soul bared.