Sunday, December 27, 2009



i really should be sleeping now, considering it's 0139 and there's church later.

christmas 09 has come and gone. i think this has been one of the most special christmases in my life. Not only because most of the family came back from overseas where they're studying and stuff, but also because of the stuff I've learnt during christmas.

yeah, it's really not about the presents and stuff. i need to remember, i've got to remember, i tell myself that this is what I really should be remembering: that it's really about the greatest gift of all, for today He was born to us to save us. Our Blessed Saviour.

yet it seems to be a whirlwind-frenzy of shopping-shopping-partying-shopping and stuff. Not that i really mind, but I feel like I've not forked out enough time to spend with God, alone. I feel myself drifting away slowly and slowly. The fire's dwindled to embers, the embers to mere glows. it's so close to being extinguished, yet it's maintained by that one stubborn last strand that reminds me, everyday, that I'm a child of God and I'm loved by Him. To let this last strand go would be worse than death.

it's not just this life that I should be concerned about. How about the life that comes after this? Left Behind reminded me, painfully, of the bitter awareness that I am nowhere as 'holy' as I would like to be. around me, i see people giving themselves to Christ, consecrating themselves in his name (though my eyebrows are raised at several methods) and inviting Him into their lives.

yet I'm not doing that. I'm going through this on my own, stubbornly refusing to be vulnerable and admit my dependence upon Him. it sickens me, it really sickens me. and it's exacerbated by the knowledge that He has already forgiven me.

I don't deserve him. What have I done to deserve His never failing, never ending love? I've done nothing worthy of that.

I need to remember who I'm living for. I'm living because of the greatest present given to me, bestowed before I was even born.