Wednesday, October 14, 2009



sweetness springs from hardships.

though lit isn't out yet, i think that my results so far have pretty much taught me a really valuable lesson when it comes to work.

it's really not secondary school.
it's really not vs anymore

jc is different. jc is SO different. and it took me almost an entire year to realize this. what's scary is the thought that i'm going to write this blogpost about reflection, about self-realization. and then i'm going to go right back to being that same person. that's scary. that's very scary for me.

i feel really sad when i see my classmates. i feel so saddened because i see the effort they put in, all that hard honest sincere work. tutorials and assignments, they do it. they write out full worked-out solutions as i sit there twiddling my thumbs and hoping my teacher doesn't pick on me to answer. the day before the exam, they're revising their work as i play dota and wonder if i can pull off an Olevel-Midyears-Promo magic hat trick.

well i somehow did. yet for all their hard work, they didn't.

a conflicted mind rests within me now; logic and what i presume to be human sentiments are warmongers. from what i can hope is a logical point of view, hard work does not necessarily result in results. that is, amount of work isn't directly proportional to results produced. considerations such as hard working encompassing smart work aside, they didn't get the results they "should" have.

even considering that the hard work did not encompass smart work, surely the effort that they put in should have justified receiving some marks right?

that's what human sentiment tells me. it's not compassion, and certainly not pity. perhaps it's just that sense of human brotherly-sisterly love that lies actively dormant in all/most humans; a dim candle that only flickers briefly to let you know that it still lives, yet fills your heart with a warmness that can both comfort and constrict.

yet logic's case is clear. if they did not work smart, why should they get results? they are not entitled to the results. the exams demand certain answers and i feel that regardless of whether one thinks or feels that these answers are truly answers, attempting to circumvent is foolhardy. a change from the bottom up is difficult and sometimes, almost-impossible. i suppose this point could be expanded further, explained a lot better but it requires clarity of thoughts and a rigour that the fatigued mind and body of mine cannot and will not provide right now.

i'm torn, not confused. i have no doubts as to the circumstances, it is not a matter of 'why isn't it this instead of that'. rather to me, it is a simple question of 'where do i stand'. when reason and emotions wage war within me, no one else but God can ever understand the pain i feel inside. no words can ever express the turmoil. perhaps i'm being melodramatic. or perhaps i'm just being honest.

perhaps, just perhaps, melodrama is honest.

i want a prayer session with the councillors. i want to let them know that God's alive and well-within our lives. His holy spirit is within us, not without us and He's truly infused into every single aspect of our lives. we need to learn to trust in Him.

i need to learn to trust in Him.

and i'm off again.