Wednesday, January 21, 2009



Blog-hopping, it's therapeutic for the soul.

I could have just left it at that, just left it at "Blog-hopping, it's therapeutic for the soul" and hope everyone thinks that because it's just 1 line, it's so uber cool and people will really think about it and go "oh yeah, when I blog hop, I usually do feel better."

Except it's not about that. This blog isn't about looking cool and having posts that are snappy and snarky. This blog is about me and what I feel and what goes on in my wonderful life. Somewhere along these lines I lost myself trying to be someone and do something that I'm not. Let's leave the causticity to people who are more 'natural' at it. It's tiring to try and creatively express my thoughts.

And if I'm not mistaken, it matters not one bit to whoever reads this blog anyway. So if you're here at www.fierydragoon.blogspot.com to look for incredibly funny and witty posts, sorry, you're in the wrong place. Peruse my links to find some blogs that will fulfil your wishes though.

On that same note, my links have been re-organized. Anyone whom I don't actually talk to, or whose blog I don't enjoy reading has been taken out. It's too much clutter, both digitally and emotionally to hold on to stuff that's never going to go anywhere. It's in the past. Maybe it's still an ember that I can fan hard enough until it ignites again.

That I can.
But do I want to? Not really. Not at all. Well, maybe just a little bit, but not enough for me to be pro-active. Not anymore.

I wish I could just seal it up here, for some reason. Just put a statement that says that I'll leave this in the past and let it be, and then perhaps do a nice line of " =======" s, just to show people.

But it's not going to just end here, is it. No matter how much I want to leave it and let it be, it's in my memories, and it's never going to go away no matter how much I try. Maybe I'll push it down every time it pops up between the chinks of my emotional-armour, but it's still going to be there, hurting a little bit. It's just a bit, just a tiny bit. But it hurts. And I don't want it to hurt.

Sometimes I wish I could tell people what I really feel, what I really think inside. People say "let's be totally honest with each other". And maybe they do mean that, and they do want to be honest. But yet, no matter how much I try, I find it so hard to open up about some things. Thankfully, now I've got two people whom I can really grow with, two people that I'm extremely extremely grateful for. But even with this two people, there remains an invisible barrier between, or amongst, us. And I can only hope that as we walk this path together, that we'll eventually open up more to each other. Some things might just be better off left unsaid, left hidden from the eyes of men. Let only God and myself see and know it.

I'm thankful I chose not to go for the class chalet, despite what people think. It was a really difficult decision to make. But in the end, it came down to 2 distinct options: Spend time with classmates, or enjoy myself.

I'm not saying that I don't enjoy myself with my classmates, I do. I do very much enjoy all the fun times we had together. But only with a few. Only those select few. Because let's face it, I'm just not going to 'fit in' with the rest of them. I don't play soccer, I don't play basketball, I don't smoke or drink. I may have a sense of extreme recklessness but that doesn't come out when I'm with them, because I'm just not comfortable with them. I don't understand them and why they do such things. I mean, I understand why they might want to do such things... but to consider it and to do it... Do the few people I want to see really matter that much to drag myself to Changi, a good 2 hours away from my house, and waste like an entire day just to be with them and probably not enjoying myself? No, not really. Sorry guys, but not really.

Right now, I'm finding it extremely difficult to open up about a lot of things. I've shared many things with people, some of which were quite personal, but never never something very deep. It's just too complicated and difficult to share. Which sounds, even to me, like some whiny excuse for not trying. But maybe that's just what it is. Whatever the case, I'm just so thankful to God that I've my devotional buddies, two people I can turn to if I need help. But even... but even they have their limitations, and I have mine. I can't tell them everything, and neither can they.

I know people I hang out with so often, but I cannot trust them to give me the emotional support I need. Support and advice? Maybe. But I don't want to listen to harsh words and dry responses. I want to talk to and listen to someone who makes me feel like they care, instead of caring... and just responding like a machine that understands what I'm going through, but can't be bothered to show some emotional support. It's not that hard to give a kind word, a sign of reassurance, to let me know that you're there for me. Perhaps you think you've shown you are, but I don't know it. If you care so much, why don't you say it? Why must you hide behind such a calm and cool exterior and dish out advice with all the emotional-support of a brick. If it's too much to ask for, to ask of you to just show some real emotional support sometimes, then I guess I shouldn't be looking for you. Because while it might be good advice, I don't feel like I can trust you with some of my thoughts anymore... Because you can't give me the support that I need while sharing.

I don't feel close to anyone anymore. I feel comfortable with people, and very comfortable with certain people that I obviously enjoy spending time with... But comfortable and close to are different... How different it is for me, I have yet to really find out. But in any case, it's different enough for me to know it.

I guess the closest people I have now know who they are, talking to them often enough and sharing with them stuff...

My devotional buddies, Kaye and Darius: I hope that we'll grow together, physically and spiritually as we walk the path that God lays for us. And I'm sorry for how I may have hurt you in the past. I pray that God will allow the three of us to really trust one another, that we may be the Peter, the solid rock for each other in our times of need.

Edwin: You're a really great guy, and I'm so thankful that God brought you into my life to work the miracles that He planned. Talking to you really helps me, it really does and I can't thank you enough for it. Let's both pray that we'll remain as close as we are, and grow even closer as brothers in Christ =)

If your name's not inside... Well, I apologize. Perhaps, we just aren't as close as you might think we are. Maybe it's not your fault, it's just that I don't feel that spiritual connection with you. Whatever it is, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for trying, and if we do keep trying, maybe one day we'll finally find ourselves really trusting each other.

There's still too many thoughts in my head for me to blog, but I'm too tired, emotionally, to type them out now. More importantly, this post made me realize one important thing.

I need God.

Let's leave it at that. God's important, God's uber cool and God's worth thinking about.

Additional note: Any tags/comments with negative references to Christianity will be removed. While I appreciate your honesty, this is my blog, and I will decide what is appropriate and acceptable for it. So please, if you don't like the content of the posts, keep it to yourself. Chances are that if you're not happy with the "religious" parts of it, I'm not going to care.