Thursday, January 29, 2009



Too many people to pray for.
Too little time.

Saturday, January 24, 2009



Sometimes it's so much easier to just say that I'm okay.

But it hurts quite a bit, because I know I'm not okay. I'm looking at all the people around me, people I love and care so much about... People who are suffering, who are going through a test that God has set for them. I can feel their pain, I can feel their pain.

I can really feel his pain right now.
I know he's praying, I know he's praying to God right now. I know he's crying out to God above to help him, to give him strength, to give him wisdom, to give him endurance.

And I feel it. God, I feel his pain. I can feel the pain that he's feeling right now.
I need to pray for him.
I need to pray for him, now.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009



Blog-hopping, it's therapeutic for the soul.

I could have just left it at that, just left it at "Blog-hopping, it's therapeutic for the soul" and hope everyone thinks that because it's just 1 line, it's so uber cool and people will really think about it and go "oh yeah, when I blog hop, I usually do feel better."

Except it's not about that. This blog isn't about looking cool and having posts that are snappy and snarky. This blog is about me and what I feel and what goes on in my wonderful life. Somewhere along these lines I lost myself trying to be someone and do something that I'm not. Let's leave the causticity to people who are more 'natural' at it. It's tiring to try and creatively express my thoughts.

And if I'm not mistaken, it matters not one bit to whoever reads this blog anyway. So if you're here at www.fierydragoon.blogspot.com to look for incredibly funny and witty posts, sorry, you're in the wrong place. Peruse my links to find some blogs that will fulfil your wishes though.

On that same note, my links have been re-organized. Anyone whom I don't actually talk to, or whose blog I don't enjoy reading has been taken out. It's too much clutter, both digitally and emotionally to hold on to stuff that's never going to go anywhere. It's in the past. Maybe it's still an ember that I can fan hard enough until it ignites again.

That I can.
But do I want to? Not really. Not at all. Well, maybe just a little bit, but not enough for me to be pro-active. Not anymore.

I wish I could just seal it up here, for some reason. Just put a statement that says that I'll leave this in the past and let it be, and then perhaps do a nice line of " =======" s, just to show people.

But it's not going to just end here, is it. No matter how much I want to leave it and let it be, it's in my memories, and it's never going to go away no matter how much I try. Maybe I'll push it down every time it pops up between the chinks of my emotional-armour, but it's still going to be there, hurting a little bit. It's just a bit, just a tiny bit. But it hurts. And I don't want it to hurt.

Sometimes I wish I could tell people what I really feel, what I really think inside. People say "let's be totally honest with each other". And maybe they do mean that, and they do want to be honest. But yet, no matter how much I try, I find it so hard to open up about some things. Thankfully, now I've got two people whom I can really grow with, two people that I'm extremely extremely grateful for. But even with this two people, there remains an invisible barrier between, or amongst, us. And I can only hope that as we walk this path together, that we'll eventually open up more to each other. Some things might just be better off left unsaid, left hidden from the eyes of men. Let only God and myself see and know it.

I'm thankful I chose not to go for the class chalet, despite what people think. It was a really difficult decision to make. But in the end, it came down to 2 distinct options: Spend time with classmates, or enjoy myself.

I'm not saying that I don't enjoy myself with my classmates, I do. I do very much enjoy all the fun times we had together. But only with a few. Only those select few. Because let's face it, I'm just not going to 'fit in' with the rest of them. I don't play soccer, I don't play basketball, I don't smoke or drink. I may have a sense of extreme recklessness but that doesn't come out when I'm with them, because I'm just not comfortable with them. I don't understand them and why they do such things. I mean, I understand why they might want to do such things... but to consider it and to do it... Do the few people I want to see really matter that much to drag myself to Changi, a good 2 hours away from my house, and waste like an entire day just to be with them and probably not enjoying myself? No, not really. Sorry guys, but not really.

Right now, I'm finding it extremely difficult to open up about a lot of things. I've shared many things with people, some of which were quite personal, but never never something very deep. It's just too complicated and difficult to share. Which sounds, even to me, like some whiny excuse for not trying. But maybe that's just what it is. Whatever the case, I'm just so thankful to God that I've my devotional buddies, two people I can turn to if I need help. But even... but even they have their limitations, and I have mine. I can't tell them everything, and neither can they.

I know people I hang out with so often, but I cannot trust them to give me the emotional support I need. Support and advice? Maybe. But I don't want to listen to harsh words and dry responses. I want to talk to and listen to someone who makes me feel like they care, instead of caring... and just responding like a machine that understands what I'm going through, but can't be bothered to show some emotional support. It's not that hard to give a kind word, a sign of reassurance, to let me know that you're there for me. Perhaps you think you've shown you are, but I don't know it. If you care so much, why don't you say it? Why must you hide behind such a calm and cool exterior and dish out advice with all the emotional-support of a brick. If it's too much to ask for, to ask of you to just show some real emotional support sometimes, then I guess I shouldn't be looking for you. Because while it might be good advice, I don't feel like I can trust you with some of my thoughts anymore... Because you can't give me the support that I need while sharing.

I don't feel close to anyone anymore. I feel comfortable with people, and very comfortable with certain people that I obviously enjoy spending time with... But comfortable and close to are different... How different it is for me, I have yet to really find out. But in any case, it's different enough for me to know it.

I guess the closest people I have now know who they are, talking to them often enough and sharing with them stuff...

My devotional buddies, Kaye and Darius: I hope that we'll grow together, physically and spiritually as we walk the path that God lays for us. And I'm sorry for how I may have hurt you in the past. I pray that God will allow the three of us to really trust one another, that we may be the Peter, the solid rock for each other in our times of need.

Edwin: You're a really great guy, and I'm so thankful that God brought you into my life to work the miracles that He planned. Talking to you really helps me, it really does and I can't thank you enough for it. Let's both pray that we'll remain as close as we are, and grow even closer as brothers in Christ =)

If your name's not inside... Well, I apologize. Perhaps, we just aren't as close as you might think we are. Maybe it's not your fault, it's just that I don't feel that spiritual connection with you. Whatever it is, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for trying, and if we do keep trying, maybe one day we'll finally find ourselves really trusting each other.

There's still too many thoughts in my head for me to blog, but I'm too tired, emotionally, to type them out now. More importantly, this post made me realize one important thing.

I need God.

Let's leave it at that. God's important, God's uber cool and God's worth thinking about.

Additional note: Any tags/comments with negative references to Christianity will be removed. While I appreciate your honesty, this is my blog, and I will decide what is appropriate and acceptable for it. So please, if you don't like the content of the posts, keep it to yourself. Chances are that if you're not happy with the "religious" parts of it, I'm not going to care.

Monday, January 19, 2009



=Hiatus=

Somewhere along the way
I forgot why I blogged to begin
Now I need to find out why I'm blogging again
Because the drive's just not there anymore.

So www.fierydragoon.blogspot.com is on indefinite hiatus

Wednesday, January 14, 2009



Looks like we were right.

After we left this organization, it would crumble and fall. Despite all our efforts to keep it strong and high, it's now breaking down. Keep the fire burning and flag unfurled?

More like burning the flag.

I love that organization with all my heart.
But for the first time ever, I feel ashamed of it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009



Well it's been a whirlwind journey.

Lino's Secondary School Life in Victoria School, 2 Siglap Link, has officially drawn to a close with the release of the O level results.

For all those wondering, I got 10 points. It's not that good, but I'll take what I've been given and be happy with it.

Prayer session with the other guys in the afternoon was nice. It helps remind all of us that it's not for our parents, or our friends, or for ourselves that we live and move through life, but for God. We're here to glorify God, not ourselves.

One little piece of paper and how it can affect people.

Those who did well would shrug it off and say it's not a big deal.
Those who didn't do well would take it so badly and it is a big deal to them.

I find it funny sometimes how people, including myself, can get so worked up over things in our life. O levels, yeah it's quite a big deal, now. But let's step back and pull ourselves away from all our 'omgwtfbbq' emotions and look at it. Does it really matter all that much? I got 10 points, and I don't think it does. Why should one little piece of paper decide whether or not I succeed in life? I've got my own path to carve, the path that God's planned for me. It's not in the hands of the O levels, or SEAB, or MOE, or any physical being and body to decide for me where I want to go, it's in the hands of God and I'll trust Him to guide and carry me

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the Cross.
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

It's shameful how I often forget Christ in my life. When all is good and happy, Christ is shoved to the side. But when I'm panicked, when I'm in trouble, I turn to Christ. But He's not a Santa Claus, He's not someone whom you can wantonly use and toss aside. How many of us remember to give thanks to God when all our anxiety has disappeared and we rejoice ( or not ) in the results that we've been given? I know I forgot for a while.

Perhaps the important lesson here isn't the O level cert and the meaning of dilligence ( which I didn't display anyway ). I guess what's more important is that I've realized that it's all I can do to trust in God. To trust in God to help me get into VJC, to trust in God to lead me in his own marvelous plans.

We might be insignificant as an individual, a mist that appears and disappears
But God put us on this Earth; God created us.
We are significant in His plans.
And if we are significant to Him
What power can decree that we are insignificant at all?

Monday, January 05, 2009



Parfois, il est trop difficile

Thursday, January 01, 2009



Yay, 2009 is here. Happy New Year. Whee.

Okay, so 31st December was like awesome. Like awesomely awesome. And when I say "awesomely awesome", I really mean awesomely awesome. Why? Because it was an entire day spent with the most awesomest people in the world: churchies!

I woke up at eight in the morning. This was an ill omen, for I was supposed to actually get out of bed at nine. Thus, I spent an hour tossing and turning, taking quick short naps for fear of oversleeping should I actually fall asleep. When I did finally leave the cold grasp of my coffin bed, it was with heavy eyes and a barely-conscious mind.

The hot shower woke me up though. This is, mostly, due to the fact that the "hot" shower was in fact, scalding. Apparently, while fiddling with the heater settings, I turned it too much. It is at times like this that I know God is protecting me. Otherwise, I'd be dead a long time ago.

Dad sent me to Kovan station, which means I didn't actually save any traveling time. However, what I did save was roughly 5 minutes worth of walking time. And since I'm about as physically-inclined as Stephen Hawkings, this was a great boon for me.

Met Kaye at Bugis at about 10.15 and took the devastatingly-long 5 minute stroll to Cineleisure. There we realized Lianne had already booked the tickets. Kaye and I adjourned to the calorific Burger King for Kaye to grab breakfast and for us to start our quiet time/devotional buddy session. Turned out pretty good, quite enjoyed it haha.

Group became pretty big as lunch-time drew near. In all, there were Me, Kaye, Lionel, Darius, Elbert, Faith, Lianne, Gerald, Luke, Marcus, Engkiat, Phoebe, Shireen, Charmaine, Abby, Darren and Joseph and yup... I think that's it. 16 people, whee. Watched Bolt (again) and enjoyed it more this time, because I was actually paying attention to the film instead of watching the animation itself or studying the camera angles. This is because I am insane.

Went bowling after that at Marina Square where YongEn joined us. He booked the lanes for us :) but didn't bowl with us :( This is probably because YongEn's ( reputedly ) some imba-ass bowler and we're just too peasant-ish to waste time on. And though I didn't buy any Ironwood Branches, it was still a good game. Well, good games. Won both games with a 117, 139 score. What was even more fun was that everyone was bowling super well for the second game; like everyone was getting 70. Lianne, Abby, Faith and I all broke 100 and we were like "oh yeah!". Charmaine took pity on us and didn't show her amazing Phoenix Bowling techniques that would shake us mere mortals. But we all know she's imba anyway. 200+, like lulz?

Went for dinner at the totally awesome Soup Spoon at Bugis after that. It was so. bloody. awesome. Shared Clam Chowder and a Smoked Ham and Cheese Sandwich with Faith and boy boy boy was it ever so damn good :3 Lino totally approves of the fare at this Soup Spoon and though copious copious and copious amounts of pepper and salt had to be thrown in, it was a thoroughly lovely meal spent in the company of super awesome people. Marcus did some pseudo-magic quick-change trick where Marcus attempted to change t-shirts in public without actually taking off the first shirt. I was then cradling my BeardPapa Cream Puff in my arms and singing Nong Nong Ago softly and lovingly to it in preparation of the time when I would devour it. Because that's what parents do. They raise their kids, then eat them.

Church Service was good. I didn't fall asleep, amazingly.

Went out to Udders for ice-cream after that. Ate a super sinful 2 scoops of Caramel and Cookies and Cream. Abby and Aly taunted me and said that I'd become horrendously fat. Played Polar Bear from 2~4 which was retarded and totally psychological! For the record, Daniel Zhang is awesome. BryanK is a jolly polar bear. Abby, Aly and Lianne are the psycho three and should be banned from sitting close to each other. Abby in particular was high and strategy-less, the equivalent of Tanya really. In the end, she drove Daniel to the brink of insanity with her random firing and arrowing of people and caused him to crack, thereby hinting he was the polar bear. So Abby's our hero.

Haha, okay, I'm quite lazy now cause it's 12.18, so I'll just leave some memorable quotes from the day ^^

Bryan: Okay, so it's down to either Alyssa or JonZhang [to be voted to be killed]. So who votes for JonZhang
[No one raises up their hands]
Bryan: Okay, so Alyssa is dead.
Alyssa: Huh, that's not fair.
Me: Actually you got the best death ever. Everyone else was killed viciously, either by polar bears or an angry mob. You were more or less just ignored to death.
Alyssa: Oh yeah, that's totally better...

~

[New game]
Daniel: Okay, so it's the first morning, wake up. There's word that there are polar bears amongst you, and you have to pick someone to kill.
Kegan: I volunteer Linus.
Me : Huh, why?
Kegan: Just because.
Me: ='( *sniff*

~

[Later]
Daniel: Okay, now we need to kill someone.
Me: Let's kill Kegan.
Kegan: I'm already dead.
Me: Just in case. You never know. Damn polar bears.

~

Darren: Wouldn't it be interesting if Bryan [ the game master ] chose the same people as the last round to be the polar bears. [pauses and realizes the implications of what he said] Errr, which is NOT to say that I'm the Polar Bear. Err yeah, forget what I said.

~

Darren: Let's see if I were a panda- err... Polar bear I mean.
Randall: Who do you think you are, PanDarren?

~

Kegan: So so so if I were a polar bear, surely I would have a strategy. Right, because polar bears must have strategy and they're smart. But but but you see me, I just randomly vote people, so I got no strategy so I can't be the polar bear!
Daniel: In other words Kegan, your defense for not being a polar bear is that you're stupid?

~

Shelley: Okay, Daniel, what's your reason [for not being voted to be killed]
Daniel: My defense? Well, um, I'm NOT A POLAR BEAR?

~

[After 'waking up']
Aly: Kegan's a polar bear!
All: O.o
Someone: How do you know?
Aly: I felt him 'wake up' just now. Can feel him move.
Kegan: What the hell, are you guys going to believe her?
[Later]
Shelley: Okay, you voted to kill Kegan, so Kegan's dead. And Kegan, you are a?
Kegan: ... polar bear...