Monday, September 29, 2008



Tag Replies:
Lisa: Nope, didn't get him, but got the super funny VJC Lit teacher :) And I have not an eclair fetish!
Kay Fong, Chun Yong, Daniel, Davis: Awww thankies ^^
Kaye: Haha no problem. And congrats for your amazing 12 points this Prelim!

Haven't updated for twenty-two days. My life's been filled with a lot of stuff. So why haven't I blogged?

I sorta came to realize, slowly as I talked with people, that my blog was usually an outlet for some issues that I had, or some thoughts that I really just couldn't share with people outright. Weird, I know, because a blog is just (kinda) public but it does seem to come out better on here. Perhaps it's the lack of a real response that allows me to just vociferate my thoughts without pause, or maybe it's some other unfathomable reason that so propels me to blog. Whatever it is, FieryDragoon.blogspot.com isn't dead, but probably will see the light of updates far less often now that O levels draw ever near.

So many things have happened since I last updated. Uncle Mervin's wedding was bloody awesome, and not just because it was at Ritz Carlton :) Joining Randall, Kegan, Darren, Lester and Mervin for the church blessing ceremony was also awesome, because I realized just how great it is that we can all worship our great God together as a family. I remember being quite afraid that as we grew up, our once-often family gatherings would dwindle and dwindle as we all got our own lives, our own friends, and less and less need for each other. And well, it did come to pass somewhat. As the years went by, we met less and less often. So I really find it's great that all of us 'younger generation' kids can meet up at least once a week at KKMC for a time of fellowship and bonding that can only bring us closer together.

I marvel at how God's been working in my life, leading through the plans He has planned for me, and sometimes I don't even realize it. Certainly, I do not thank him enough. While he blesses me with friends and family, I forget his kindness and generosity. I forget the promises I make to him, the vows of becoming a better person, shaking off the sins and trying to live my life vicariously as He did. Yet after prayer, after all is said and done, after we leave church and that euphoria of being in God's place slowly disappears, it is so easy to fall back on the comforts of our sins. It is shameful that I sometimes think of these sins as 'habits', not crimes against God, but simply little quirks that I've grown up with. But I know in my heart, even less than He does, that these are just excuses I make to hide from the guilt that I have inside, that comes from knowing that I cannot possibly get rid of all my vices no matter how hard I try.

Sometimes we learn from people we never thought we'd learn from. Talking to people over these past few weeks, particularly on MSN, has served as a fortituous cornucopia of information that has really enlightened me. Of course, enlightment isn't what I've obtained, simply just an expression to convey just how much I think I've learnt, almost as if everything is now seen in a new light. I saw how my strengths could have been mistaken as weaknesses, my weaknesses as strengths, all depending on who I was with. My drive for what I believe in was seen as pushy and overbearing, while laziness was construed as the ability to delegate. The point I stress is that we never really know what our strenghts are. One man's meat is another man's poison; one man's barrel keg is another man's shield for those who are more DotA-knowledgable. And it's true; how true. What we think we are good in, others may not. I guess it all comes down to our own beliefs and what we visualize as ideal.

Zhong Yi and Daniel came over today to study. We ended up talking about some stuff, and something that's been going on in school lately. I must say that I am very shaken inside, because what's happened is really something I feel so strongly about. Little can be divulged about it, because of the nature of the incident, but it really does shake me that people around me of my age can possibly think of and commit such acts. I can only pray for them, if I can even find the strength and sincerity to do so, and pray for myself that I never fall prey to such thoughts and vices.

Indeed, I feel very unsettled by some recent happenings. There is someone in school that recently has been difficult to talk to. Perhaps it is just me, but I seem to feel a strange sort of tension between us when we talk, even if it is for a mere moment. Paranoia? Maybe. And certainly this is the kind of paranoia that can break a friendship. But still, it is a feeling that I cannot deny nor express adequately to people around me, even people that I really trust.

Today Zhong Yi asked me how I rated someone ( You once thought I insinuated you were Machiavellian ) on the wonderful Friendship scale of 1~10. Of course, it is a silly scale, because no division is universal. But I put that person as a 10. ZhongYi then said that it's weird to put people at 10. That got me thinking: What do I really consider a best friend?

Truth be told, I am not sure either. To me, best friends are the one whom I feel I have a real connection to, someone that I don't talk to just because, or someone's that only fun to be with. They're people with a certain depth to them, and most importantly, people that can and seen past my exterior to what's inside. These are the people who know what happened, what I went through, and what I was really like during those times. These are the people I know I can trust, whole-heartedly when I'm in trouble. Funnily enough, it's not necessarily a very caring relationship per se, and we don't have to be uber-nice to each other. But rather, it's the knowledge that this person, or these people, can and will be there for you when you need that pillar of strength, or that shoulder to lean on, even if just for a while. And it's someone that I truly care about, someone that I feel the urge to pray for when he is down, when he is sick, when he is in need, and even when he is not in dire need of anything. Several people I thought I could really trust have shown sides that have shaken me, and even until now, someone has done the same. Right now, I am questioning the friendship, wondering exactly how we stand and whether we're that much of friends as I think I am. Maybe this isn't important in the grand scale of things.

But I'm only a little boy, only a youth of 16. As much as I want to look at the big picture, as much as I want to be able to say that I can consider both micro and macro, I can't. I'm only micro, and I can only see micro for now, occasionally the macro picture, even then only glimpses of it. But while I'm still looking through my microscope of life, I want to try and make the best out of it.

To those out there whom I can really consider best friends, I'd like to thank you guys again for being there for me, for letting me be there for you, and for being you, just because. You guys know who you are.

You who is 'Machiavellian" :)
You who God brought into my life through a friend for a plan far greater than I ever would have thought. :)
You who just has plenty of common sense and is so fascinated by TAR(A) that it's rather silly sometimes :)

Love you guys :3