Wednesday, February 20, 2008



Hey, guess where I am now.

It's 9.20, and I'm at freaking Mountbatten Road.

Not in a bus.
Not in a taxi.
I'm freaking sitting on the stone steps below the “Royal Canine” pet shop, pseudo-blogging.

Why?

Long story. Long long story.

Today's been pretty...tough I should say. Lots of ups and downs; especially ups that have turned into downs. Glen...dinner with wei loong and caleb... lots of things I thought would go right, have backfired, so to speak. Lately, i've really been losing confidence in myself, just wondering, wondering keep wondering what's going to happen next how will it happen next will it be correct?

Right now, i'm struck by how my secondary school life has come almost full-circle. In secondary 1, I didn't stay in VSCO properly, not going for practices. That changed in secondary 2 and 3. But now in secondary 4, it's almost poetically-ironic how it's come back to me not going for practices again. Even the reasons are quite similar. In secondary 1, I didn't go because I didn't know anybody. In sec 4...well...i don't....like ( is that the correct word to use? Like? I hesitate to use 'hate' because it's not correct. Yet 'like' does not adequately capture the meaning of what I wish to say ) some people there. Some people I used to treasure. I used to really treasure them. And...well, in a way, I still do. But perhaps, this is a sign from god, that i'm just meant to let go of some people, lose some friends now and learn some life skills that will prevent such similarities in the future.

I don't know.

I've been saying 'I don't know' so much these few days. Is it because I really don't know, or because some subconscious part of me doesn't want to know? I'm driven to both ends, pulled both ways. Yet, I think i'll never know. Just like how I never stick with one character in video games, just like how I never completely take one side in a situation, i'll never find 'one' way, the be-all-end-all way. And just perhaps, i'll never be completely satisfied in life, knowing that there's no 'perfect' side to be found, a side with all positives and no negatives. Does a side like that exist? Perhaps. Let me rephrase. Does a side like that exist for matters that truly matter? For leadership? For life?

Maybe what makes life interesting in the non-fixed way we can live it. Me? I love some rules, hate some others. And of course, my judgement of what rules are good and bad isn't anywhere near perfect. I'm just a soon-to-be-sixteen year old victoria school boy living life and learning its lessons as I go along. But hopefully, some of these lessons are lessons I can learn the easy way, instead of having to pay a price for them. Especially a price that tears me to bits to pay – friendship.

Sitting here upon the stone steps of 'Royal Canin', I see the cars going by, the people walking by that glance at the little white uniform-clad boy, that may or may not be from victoria school, that sits on the stone steps, a laptop resting slightly-precariously upon his legs. This really is strangely therapeutic ( btw anyone ever noticed therapeutic has 'rape' inside ). and much like many aspects of life, sometimes it takes a mistake to find something good. Like today, running after the bus 76 ( after eating at Thaipan ) to reach home 15 minutes earlier...instead, i've spent almost half an hour waiting for my stomach to settle. Yet, it's not all bad. Because at least I can blog. Yeah sure i've got a physics and chemistry CA tomorrow. But I could be moaning and whining about not being able to study ( even though I actually can ) or I can take the time to blog, and write down emotions that I didn't want to address, didn't wanna think about. Fahrenheit 451 is a good, no, excellent book. Much like fairy tales and fables, it doesn't attempt to depict life, and is almost explicit in showing that it's purpose is to address inner development.
It's 9.34. Despite everything else, I really should be making my way home now. Reaching home at 10...wonder if I can go to sleep, knowing that tests await me tomorrow. Oh well, we'll see.

Oh btw, today's the 18th. Let's see when I finally get around to posting this entry.