Friday, December 14, 2007

Reflection

[Edit: Tag replies, or else I'll be stoned to death]

Emersius: Yes, because Rubik Cubes are just -that- sexy =)

WeiLiang: Haha, who's gangster? Is that like B.Pang's brother or something? And yup, hopefully my wall-of-text posts are back. Although I do enjoy short posts really.

tkgsDB/someone: Ummm....ok

WeiLoong: The security guard is so anal-retentive! And Dynamite outing really rocked!

Kow: -.- And Golden Compass isn't really that anti-christian. Doesn't even really matter unless you can't differentiate reality from fiction ala Da Vinci Code.

Bryan: Yes, but MrMooMoo rocks my ankle-socks off.

Joy: HELLO GIRL!

[/edit]

Haha, I just realized today's the 14th. That means RiCO, which until about 5 minutes ago when I read Yang En's blog, I thought is tomorrow. Well, it's today, we're suppose to meet at 7.20, and it's 6.30 now.

I'm sure I can make it. I'm sure that after I hastily bathe (again), change, run out to the mrt station and take a train down to Tanjong Pagar, I can make it in time. I'm sure. I have 1 hour, and it's only a 30 minute train ride.

Except I'm not going. The Raffles Institution Chinese Orchestra concert ticket will sit in my wallet until 12 a.m tonight, then I will rip it in half.

It's not symbolic, it's fun.
Ok, maybe it's a bit symbolic.

In case the previous post didn't make its point, I had a very wonderful and therapeutic (MSN) talk with Kow yesterday night. Well, morning actually, it was around...what, 1 am? Pretty much ranted at first, with copious amounts of a certain swear word that is 25% fish and 75% duck.

Then got more indepth and pseudo-reflective. Talking about your problems really helps. Perhaps it's the process of saying it out loud, taking it out from its container and just putting it in the wide wide world context. And then we see that our problem isn't everything we thought it is. Maybe when it's in our head, all the emotions are magnified. Locked in the little container, the emotions ricochet and bounce around and get bigger and bigger, clouding the problem itself.

That little container is pretty darn frangible. It keeps the problem inside, but the moment you open it, wham. You get smacked in the face by all the emotions and you've got to, you've just got to wade through all those emotions and find the problem itself.

It super sucks. It really super sucks to have to do that. But that problem is never going to solve itself unless you open the lock and deal with it.

Trust. Trust. Trust.

I asked Kow:
"What if your band peers take your instrument, and smash it. They don't tell you why, but they just smash it. Then they tell you to trust them, and let them fix it. Can you trust them?"

The instrument is motivation. Needless to say, I've been a happiness addict these few days. It's like a drug, like beer, like being drunk. It's fun, and it solves your problems as you drown yourself in happiness, desperately trying to block out your problems. And you succeed, for a while anyway. Then you're sober, and the pain just hits you right back in the face like nothing you've ever felt. It -is- like nothing you've ever felt, because it gets worse every time you get drunk.

I've been throwing myself into fun, reveling in the joy and gaiety of day. But night always comes, and so does reflection. And with it, the unavoidable pain.

But really, the instrument was broken. It is already broken. So what else can I do, but simply trust? Yes, this trust might be blind, might be foolish. It's a trust that's eroded day by day, because I see no sign of improvement or remedy. But they are two people that I'll always consider friends. They're friends, and I'll trust them. So it's not blind trust. I don't know why they did it, and I don't know how they're going to fix it. But I have to trust them enough, because they said they'll fix it.

So I have to trust them. I just have to. I just want to.
Just that I don't.
And that tears me apart.

I'm just hoping, just praying it'll be fine. Come January, come the never-ending new slates upon which we write our lives, perhaps it'll all be fine.

And my motivation isn't really broken. It was just lost. Fled somewhere I didn't look. But hey, I got it back last night.

I can wait for Christmas. There is so much to do, simply so much to do to make it all that I want it to be.

I want to do the Christmas sharing with Randall, Darren and Jo-Ann. I want to hear their testimonies of God, and their testimonies for God. I want to share my testimony, although I don't quite know what it is, yet I know what I want it to be. I want to play my cello alongside my cousins, playing Dance With My Father in a simple, yet true remembrance of my grandfather. I want to feel God within me, within that house we play in. And I want to be in KKMC on December 24th, 2007, at 11.59 PM, with our heads, voices and hearts held high in one unison of praise for God.

But I lose myself in verbosity.

I want so many things to happen.
It's going to be a busy two weeks. It's going to be a roller-coaster of emotions, hopefully high, realistically fluctuating as I both enjoy happiness and deal with sadness. It's going to be a very, very and I repeat, VERY busy two weeks again.

So what do I have to do?

I've gotta pray.

[post-script]
I'm missing Dynamite outing. Hope we have another one soon, this time with all Dynamitians inside.

[post-post script]
Adding labels from now, mostly word number labels. Because I'm crazy like that.

Labels: 1000 words