Thursday, October 18, 2007



I wanted to put a quote here, but it wouldn't do justice to this post's emotions.
I wanted to type in all small case, but it wouldn't be me.

Reading Nicolas' post struck me immensely.

Some people don't appreciate their lives enough. Others are scared to appreciate it too much, for fear of the fear of losing it. Me...I see it as if I live, I live, if I die, I die. This isn't how I used to think, of course, but going through life and seeing everything that happens and can happen... I can quite honestly say that even though I would not like to die, if I had to for a cause, I would. I would die for my family, I would die for my friends. I would die for my dreams.

I wouldn't want crying at my funeral. Yes, be sad if you want to, but don't mope and grieve and wail. It's pointless. Throughout my life, I've always had a different view of death from others. It's not loss to me, it's a change. That person... will never speak to you again, will never interact with you again, ever. But he lives on in memory, and that would suffice for me. Naturally, I'd rather him not be dead, but everyone dies. I'm not afraid of death taking me. Reincarnation? Ascension into Heaven or Damnnation in hell? I've not reached that point in my faith yet, to care enough about what happens after I die. Honestly, not yet, and I'm not worried about it. After death, the problems are solved, and there's eternity to fix them. Before death, there's only the sandglass of our lives to dictate how much we do. I would focus on reality, more than anything.

Some people around me choose not to dwell on the past. Suppressing the negativity. I find it incredibly pointless, shallow, naive and ultimately stupid. It's as if mistakes mean nothing, and when the beginnings of reflection touch them, they shrink away. The Future is what they say they focus on, while it's actually delusion. They never learn, and they never look back. How can they? When they suppress and reject the shame, guilt, fear and ultimate wisdom that comes with reflection? I do not dwell unnecessarily. I believe inside everything that happens to us, good or bad, there's something to be learnt. I move on once I feel I've extracted everything from that incident, be it a mistake, accident or such. If I never moved on, I'd be stuck in the past, cursed to relive everything eternally. I'm not that dumb as to do that, and I obviously advocate being able to move on in life. But how some people treat mistakes is worrying. They say that they have 'learnt their lesson' but yet you still see them making the same errors again and again. How...How is that learning your lesson? Once, twice we make the same mistake, it's still acceptable. But continuously... And as leaders, setting a good example is quinessential. How can we possibly call ourselves leaders when we can't even lead properly?

Some people say that we're still young, we're not even 16, we should not be that matured. I think that's bullshit. Yeah, we haven't experienced all of life. So what. Wait till our deathbeds and THEN start to learn? No, I'm not doing that. We should learn as we go along. We should be mature enough to deal with our 15-year-old crisis, mishaps and accidents. I might not have experienced everything, but surely I've experienced enough to adequately respond to and deal with my current situation.

So why is that everything now is so bloody screwed up? Is Evening of Music and Drama cursed or something? First it gets shifted to post-EOYs. Then the school administration shifts the last day of school to the 26th of October [Edit, thanks Sherman]. Then 'O' levels OBVIOUSLY mean that we CANNOT be rehearsing MUSIC because it'll affect the exams. And EMD is right-smack in the middle of 'O' levels and we can't change it can we. And then there's PSLTC to plan as well, and my results are going to be best pieces of goddambloodyshit I've ever received in my life. And it's going to be fun and joy when my parents scold me for it. As if I don't already feel bad enough about the results themselves. As if I'm not pressured enough by all the shit that's happening. Huh? EMD screws up, a lot of people are going to die. I'm going to kill myself first.

And what's up with the super-enthu faux-happiness? Oh don't worry, you're very talented I know you can do it. Oh Linus, EMD is going to turn out fine. What the hell, bitch. Do I look like I need you to tell me what EMD should turn out like. Do I FUCKING look like I want it to turn out like some kind of crap? Day in day out I already hear my friends telling me that it'll be fine and whatnot.

HAHA WHAT NONSENSE.

Already Chinese Orchestra can't even play Dang Ni Gu Dan to an acceptable standard. And it's not as if they can't do it, but you have juniors who are leader-wannabes slacking around with fucking losers like S.J.W who are completely retarded and affecting the people who are actually sort of good around them. Yes, and I know a certain SOMEONE, whom we shall call Person C, who's reading my blog who would be insulted because BEST FRIEND S.J.W IS OBVIOUSLY A TRUE FRIEND WORTH HAVING YOU KNOW.

Well, if as a leader and person who hangs around with J.W almost 24/7, if you can't see that J.W is A)Retarded, B)Retarded and C) COMPLETELY FUCKING RETARDED... then that's your death wish. You were good and you knew it. And then you decided that J.W is your friend. SO go ahead and let whatever shreds of leadership you have left die and rot like the common sense in your head is doing. Friendship, bite my friggin' ass. Last time I checked, friendship did not mean dragging your talent down into the mud and then completely obliterating it. It meant helping others when they need help and not convincing them that DOTA is everything and that pausing the game as an OBSERVER is COMPLETELY acceptable. And if you're biased enough to DEFEND a person with such a degree of CEREBRAL PALSY then BE MY GUEST. IT"S NOT AS IF I DIDN'T TRY.

And then there are people who are all enthu and think with their feet. That's right, WITH their feet. Does it look like I give a flying fuck if you're enthu? If I wanted enthu I'd get Angus or some rabid person like Sulwyn. But I want GOOD with ENTHU and guess what? You're about as close to good as Steve Irwin is to winning the next Olympics. Darwin is probably spinning in his grave wondering 'why the hell is he still alive? is my theory of evolution wrong? can evolution skip a generation?' Why bother to be enthu? Just shut up, sit back and try to LISTEN to people who are clearly better than you. Like your classmate for example. Now HE can lead and HE can follow. So why can't you just grab a nice BIG cup of SHUT THE HELL UP and listen to him. You can't even follow instructions properly, seniors tell you to do something must 'why why why' and then must Gao Chuang Yi while doing it also. And your Chuang Yi is NOT EVEN good lah, simi rubbish. Give you simple simple FACE PROJECT to do also can screw up. IT MUST BE INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT, TAXING AND TIRING FOR SOMEONE OF YOUR INCREDIBLE CALIBER TO DO SOMETHING LIKE GATHERING INFORMATION.

THEN I have people in EXCO telling me LIES. 'The face project is almost complete le' SIMI BULLSHIT? Can't you just tell me that the FACE PROJECT is currently BURNING because the people we gave it to ATE IT, RAPED IT, ABORTED IT, PISSED ON IT AND THEN INCINERATED IT. Don't you think that I can, and will, eventually find out the truth, which I did FIVE minutes later. Am I so monstrously terrifying that if you tell me the Face Project is in shambles I will murder you and eat your babies? YES, I would be angry but at least tell me the truth. How does it feel being LIED to by my CHAIRMAN. If something is wrong just tell me it's wrong lah. You want to cover up for how long? If you can fix it, go ahead but half the time you NEED the ExCo or else you'll just miserably screw up. Then I'll be frustrated and annoyed and blow multiple blood vessels and then you'll look all apologetic and then I'LL feel like I'm such an asshole for scolding you for YOUR mistakes.

Go ahead, go back to your own blogs and retort with some blogpost about how linus is such a retard who only knows how to insult insult insult and is some fake leader who only preaches but never practices and swears too much and can't even play his instrument properly. Well guess what. I CAN PRACTICE my instrument and I CAN GET BETTER by PRACTICING and I ACTUALLY WILL PRACTICE. You, with your godknows apparently-7-friggin years of ZhongRuaning skills and AMAZING ability to use 2 hours to learn 1 page of DNGD, however cannot be assed to conscientiously learn how to lead others. Tag on my tagboard to tell me you've blogged/hate me/sent a nuclear warhead to my house and perhaps I'll care. Perhaps, because right now I have more important things to do, like ensuring EMD doesn't end up raped to hell.

Alternatively, you guys, for once, could actually read through the entire thing and think about why I typed it out. I know you guys don't read my posts thoroughly, which completely defeats the purpose of me even blogging in the first damn place. So if you skimmed through, you can either go back and read through it properly, ignore everything, or go on a wildfire blogflame of your own. I MIGHT care enough to show it because NO ONE ELSE FUCKING CARES.