Tuesday, October 30, 2007



Haha.

Sorry Wei Guang.

P.S: Anymore people telling me that HMT sucks and it's stressful should realize that when I tell them 'just do your best' and 'it'll be ok', it actually means 'shut up, it's a subject that you can fail and still get -2 points for JC Entry'.

Plus, if you CHOSE to take it , (and it sure as hell wasn't compulsory, I didn't choose to take it) why complain about it being hard. That's like me taking Literature, purely my choice, and then whining that it's damn difficult to score in.

It is, by the way, but I'm not complaining about it.

The next person to tell me that they should have never taken HMT, will be whacked.
Hard.

Oh, and I miss my darling. I just saw her yesterday lah...but I kinda miss her already. She's so nice and sweet, always making me feel better. I love you my darling =) Let's be together 1314, and I will lurbbe lurbbe you foreva and eva kkx?

It's 1.00 PM on Tuesday, the 30th of November.

And I'm bored.

Yesterday was very fruitful though =) Finished the ship and the roof. The ship is just magnificent, it's immensely beautiful and it will be on stage for about 10 seconds. The tree is damn cute and after EMD I am SOOOOO bringing it home to stash in my room.

Why?

For fun.

The roof is ugly though.

D.T.S D.I.S man!

I cannot wait for EMD. Tomorrow's rehearsal will be long and strenuous but I don't really care because I'm damn bloody excited about Thursday.

Zomg, going around with Li Zhi, Glen and possibly Danial to do ushering in our black shirts and jeans is going to be superuber nice lah. I don't know why I"m so excited, perhaps that's because the blackshirtjeans outfit thing is RESERVED strictly for EMD ExCo =) I know I know CO is wearing more or less the same thing, but I don't care. They have a white t-shirt inside.

Need to choose which black shirt though. There's the nice long sleeve silk one...or the damn sexy one from Gap . OH WHO CARES! Either one will look good!

Haha, I'm positively delirious with happiness and excitement. It's going to be our names on those programme booklets, the ones who pulled this shizz off and it's going to be good. It WILL be good. I will make sure it's good!

But for today, I shall do my holiday homework. My grades are poor and they need to be pulled up so I don't feel so inferior when talking to IMBAs like Yang En and Edwin.

Meritocracy > all, remember?

Saturday, October 27, 2007



Ranting post ahead. This is your first, and only warning. If you don't want to read it, then do not go ahead. If you choose to read it, then I gave you appropriate warning, and you CHOSE to go ahead and read it. In that case, don't come and tell me to take it down because you think it's insensitive or whatever shit. You chose to read it, that pretty much says you think it's alright. If you don't want to read it, click the big red X at the top right hand corner. If you choose to read on, I better not see any stupid comments like 'it's too harsh' and 'take it down.' Everyone has a choice to read the blogpost or not. If you know it's going to be something flaming, then don't fricking read it. If you do, then drink a big cup of shut the hell up and just read it and think about it. So to those certain people who tell me that my blog flames others too much, you better not read it and spare me the bullshit of being told to take it down. If you think it's insensitive, non-christian like and non-leaderish, don't read it. It's not like you didn't see this warning.

















After Wrixon died, everyone's posting messages like 'rest in peace' and 'god bless him' and 'R.I.P Fellow Victorian' which I think is just shit lah. I bet half the people don't even really care. It's not even about it being the thought that counts because what's the point of pretending that you care enough to give 'condolences'.

Face it. Most of them just pretend to care because everyone else is doing it. All of them with that faux-sad simpering messages of care and concern. I'm not minimizing Wrixon's death, and I do think it's a shame, because he's Band's Student Conductor, which actually has significance. I leave that statement for those who can think.

I'm just irritated by everyone 'desecrating' his memory by pretending to care just so they don't look like insensitive people. Because pretending to care is really so much better. Only the stupid people can't tell who cares and who doesn't. The ones who do think about it, and what they can learn from it. The ones who don't put stupid messages in their MSN, pretend to be all sad and shit.

Since when was it cool to fake concern? Look at Steve Irwin. I bet you half the people who had that turtle in their MSN ID never even watched the fucking show. Yet I see like three-quarters of my MSN contacts with that goddamn turtle in the front, saying how much they miss Steve Irwin and all that shit and it's the true loss. Yeah well bitches if you actually cared you would have watched the show. What? You don't watch the show but you think it's a loss to humanity? Guess what. Stop faking. You didn't care enough about animals, you didn't care about Steve Irwin and you most certainly don't fucking care enough to honestly mourn his death. That's like me saying that if my neighbour down the road dies I would be very sad.

Hell no. I wouldn't give a damn. I've never spoken to him, and I bet none of you have ever spoken to Steve Irwin. I never had ANY form of interaction with him, beside sight, and I bet that's the case for most people and Steve Irwin. So if I don't care about someone who lives down the road for me and I've never spoken to him, I honestly doubt half the people bemoaning his death actually give a damn. If you think putting turtles because everyone else is doing it is trendy, then say so.

Another thing I recently realized I absolutely abhor is when people tell me 'if everyone did their best' or 'if everyone put in effort' then 'everything will be fine.'

Yeah well guess what. IF I darkened my skin tone, underwent extensive plastic surgery and were filthy rich, I'd be Halle Berry.

You can tell me that IF people did this and that and IF people were hardworking and everything, then everything would be fine. You could sit there telling me that until the cows come home and I explode from hearing your repetitive bullshit and nothing would get done.

Because IF is not Reality. This is REALITY. I don't fucking care IF all the members of band or an orchestra were to put in their effort, it would be good. Anyone can fucking tell me IF. The beggar on the street can, the business man in the suit can. It doesn't take ANYTHING to tell me IF something were this way, it would turn out that way.

But Reality says that they aren't, and therefore results aren't satisfactory. And guess what, REALITY WINS. BECAUSE THIS IS REALITY. So you can tell me a million and one fucking IF scenarios and in the end if nothing is done, NOTHING IS DONE.

Sometimes I hate faith and religion. Because some people just LOVE to say 'OH I"LL TRUST IN GOD/BUDDHA/ALLAH/WHATEVER AND HE WILL TAKE ME THROUGH THIS.' Yes it sounds very righteous and pious and everything and guess what it's also about as fucking fake as Voldemort's nose. If you truly believed in your God, and I'm sure no God tells his disciples 'BE FAT LAZY BUMS OR BE PUNISHED" , then you would be actually doing something. Not even half-heartedly doing things that QUITE OBVIOUSLY don't work like scolding and incredible motivational talks. NO bitch! You would be empowered by your faith to give it everything you've got. You would put in as much effort as possible, because Gods don't help followers who are lazy bums.

I also don't understand this whole system of dismissal due to apparent good effort. What, so now we'll let them go because they're good? Sorry, because they're APPARENTLY good. And the next day they come back and you wonder 'WHY IS IT SO CRAPPY NOW.' Well, MAYBE because you decided that since they were SO FUCKING FANTASTIC that they deserve the break and should thus go home and rest. And not practise. Again, IF they practised at home, then it's still fine. Reality check: They don't. Or this problem would not have taken SO LONG to be resolved. You want to make sure the standard is really good? Make them continue. If they can maintain that standard for a substantial amount of time, then at least that says something. True quality is not something that dwindles with time. True quality isn't lost because they didn't practise.

'Then Linus, why are you talking about it then? Didn't you just say true quality isn't lost because they didn't practise?'

Yar I did. I also said true quality. You can go and think about whether practising an instrument for 3 days gives you true quality. If it does, go shoot yourself.



Blah. Ok, end of rant. Looking forward to CHURCH tomorrow, where I can refill my faith meter which has been exhausted by all the fucking stupidity going on around me. Going to talk to Yang En about some...things tomorrow. Hope I get my message through.

And another reminder: Do not put stupid tags. If you read this far, do not tell me things like 'take it down.' I will ignore it and delete it, and I will not give a damn after that. So don't waste my time with your stupidity.

Friday, October 26, 2007



The eckzams are over and I've gotten back my new comp and my results.

The first is good, the second is good, the third is bad.

Needless to say, a blooming 18 points for my L1R5 wasn't exactly the pride and joy of life for my mum. She flipped out, telling me that I always tell her I'll work harder and study during the holidays and produce better results because I'm not satisfied.

Yeah, because if I tell her I'll slack, goof off, drop out of school because my lifelong dream is to be a wandering Hobo, she'll be really elated. By which I mean she will shoot me.

Not that, of course, I'm anything near happy that I have a wonderful 18 points. Some people like to take comfort in the fact that the exams are hard and they did pretty well compared to others yada yada yada foogerboogerblah.

My mum asked why people can get 6 points. I tell her they're PRCs. She asks me what's the difference between them and me. I almost reply that they're gay, retarded, lack any shred of common sense whatsoever and have absolutely no purpose in life except to devour books and regurgitate them. Naturally, I changed my answer a slight bit to I dunno and I'm lazy. Which is standard typical answer a. Standard typical answer b is I'll work harder.

Since saying anything else than doesn't directly mention that I'm lazy / unmotivated / a slacker is completely unacceptable, I have resorted to the age-old method of insulting myself, only for her to tell me that I'm not dumb and that I should work harder because I can be first if I only studied harder and put it more effort. Of course, since this is the Singaporean education system, what she means is stay in my room, study all day and end up looking like an anorexic vampire. Which will undoubtedbly be the highlight of my life. A 6 pointer, with no social life and no people skills. I am sure I will succeed. As a doorstop.

Was talking to Gabriel (CheeKueh) on MSN just now about EMD. Since the lucky boy's birthday falls on EMD, we're treating him a ticket which is only fair because of what he taught us during LTC. Looking back, what the SLs taught us is pretty much the only thing relevant to Leadership. Since the rest of the camp was Survivor:: LTC, involving wading through elephant crap, climbing moutains, obstacle courses, dining with resident flies and surviving in a jungle by recognizing and utilizing the environment. I failed the last 'challenge' due to my glasses being devoured by elephant-crap-water and consequently couldn't see and/or recognize any of the plants and thingies pointed out by the jolly fat uncle (Not Santa). Needless to say, I am still helpless in a jungle and would probably be eaten by squirrels. Squirrels that are black, lanky, and have a long black tail. And look more like panthers actually.

I'm worried about the current JLs and SLs. They're a mess. Not that I move to claim that PSB is the be-all-end-all leadership organization. But it is with 100% honesty and 0% biasness that I must say that the PSLs achieve far more than the JLs.

Naturally, this shouldn't be the case. The PSLS/SPSLS should be equal to the JLs/SLs in terms of status. Which, according to popular and misguided belief, is the current status quo. Except working behind the scenes, we know who pulls whose and what strings. And the SPSLs are the puppeteers.

I am not power drunk of course. Merely stating facts.

I wonder why Ms Tang didn't want doublers, meaning SPSL and SL. If I were given the choice, I would rather have doublers than give black shirt status to people who quite obviously are what I call See Em Eye. I don't see the point of giving the chance to people who can't do the job. I mean, if they are enthusiastic about it, then meh, maybe it's feasible. But it's not like the moral and momentum of the SLs is SKYHIGH Senior! is it. I don't mean to condescend the SLs or JLs, but just hopefully provide what is my view of the current situation.

I think the Leadership Boards in VS need to start rebirthing, redefining and reinventing themselves. Like Prefects who volunteer to help out in so and so initiatives, but instead rush home to play MapleStory or do some other important stuff like Traffic Duty or something like that. Or Monitors who are slack, useless, contribute nothing to the discussion and instead make stupid, irrelevant comments that derail everyone.

And when I move to exclude the people from future meetings, I'm cruel and sadistic. Because getting the job done by purging the weaknesses is far inferior compared to getting nothing done because I'm all nice and shit. Truly, I've always wanted useless leaders.

I just never saw the point in bringing up people who don't want to be leaders, can't be leaders, or say that they want to be, but don't move to act like one. What's the point of sacrificing so much time and energy to go and cultivate these people, who will never be as good. I understand that there should be effort put into helping these people, and I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just stating that just because I don't doesn't mean I'm an evil tyrannical nutcase.

If I have a horse and a cow pulling a race-cart, and both of them fall down, I'm sure as hell concentrating on the horse. Because the horse does the work. The cow helps, but what infinitesimal amount is actually contributed? Similarly, having others to help the weaker ones is good. But I believe that concentration on the better ones is more important for success. Contrary to what most people think, better people aren't going to improve naturally. Buddha's not going to come along and bonk them with the branch of enlightenment. And neither is Jesus going to throw down ten tablets of wisdom. Someone has to help them tap their greater potential, rather than let it go to waste.

What people need are a (perceptively) small group of leaders who are self-motivated, capable and self-empowered, a small group of 100% ( Alpha ), as compared to a bigger group of 75%
( Beta ). Alpha might not be able to do somethings Beta can. But Beta cannot do a LOT of things Alpha can. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole. 6 people in Alpha ( theoretically 600% ) can beat 8 people in Beta ( Also theoretically 600% ). Simply because Alpha will be able to plan, coordinate and executer faster than Beta, due to the superior efficiency. Alpha might lack numbers, but Beta lacks the efficiency. If you ask me, superior efficiency trounces superior numbers any day. Quality over Quantity.

But wait. Consider this: As the Theoretical Efficiency increases (Aka the Percentage), the difference in numbers also increases.

Alpha Beta Difference ( Beta - Alpha )
600%: [6] [8] [2]
900%: [9] [12] [3]
1200%: [12] [16] [4]

As you can see, the difference in the number of people required in groups Alpha and Beta increases as Percentage increases. The relatively brainless formula for the difference is just :

[EfficiencyPercentage] / [ 300 ]

For the respective 100% and 75% theoretical percentages, of course.

So it's quite clear, that sooner or later, the number of people in Alpha can be almost half that of Beta.

At this point wouldn't Beta overwhelm Alpha? Quantity over Quality after a certain point?

Not really. For one, we have to consider that greater quantity means more communication, which means more potential problems. Also, there is what Chemistry has ingrained into me, the Limiting Reactant or the particular amount of a certain substance that limits the amount of reaction. In this case, people.

Given a class outing to plan, which is a relatively simple thing to do. It takes...let us say 900% to plan a class outing ( which is just way too much really ). Looking at Alpha, it'll take 9 people, out of a possible 40. Beta would take us 12 people out of 40. I dunno, but if it takes 12 people to plan a class outing then there's something wrong with that class actually. Perhaps they should do something simpler and more effective. Like not going.

So, in situations where smaller amounts of people are needed, or smaller Theoretical percentages are required, Alpha definitely has the advantage. Less people means easier communication, better jobscopes. Overwork? Alpha's 100% darling.

But what if a situation arises where massive amounts of people are needed / massive amounts of Theoretical Percentages are required. Wouldn't Beta be better here.

Well, not necessarily. Alpha and Beta are not mutually exclusive. It's not as if one exists and the other cannot. So, in this case, we have Alpha AND Beta existing Together. What does this mean?

Simple.

Without boring you guys with calculations, Alpha should be the first pick. Why not, since they are the first priority leaders. Only after there are no more Alpha'ians, should Beta'ians be taken in. So, we actually have Alpha'ians leading mostly, while Beta'ians follow and learn. If a Beta'ian is truly good, then the potential will be noticed, and thus he might be considered, or should be considered rather, an Alpha'ian.

Basically, I'm promoting the idea of Alpha leaders leading 99% of the time, with Beta leaders following behind to learn from the Alpha'ians. In this way, the Alpha'ians will be able to improve faster, while the Beta'ians aren't left out completely. Plus, we must always remember that Alpha'ians and Beta'ians can talk, and learn from each other.

The other 1% where Alpha should not lead? Oh, simple. That's just when the Alpha'ians have been completely used up for a certain project, leaving only Beta'ians. Not that this should happen, since Alpha'ians should always be kept partially in reserve, just in case, as well as the promote more Beta'ians being able to learn.

I really think that this is how we'd achieve maximum efficiency. Alpha leaders should lead, because they are the better ones, and to not tap their potential is akin to telling the second place national runner in Singapore's Olympic Team *Snort* that he will compete because it's his chance to prove himself. By tapping Beta potential, yes you are helping the Beta'ians. But Alpha'ians have more potential and better leadership qualities. Thus, the Beta'ians should learn from them, by letting Alpha'ians lead. If we truly want maximum efficiency, then maximum utilization of Alpha'ians is the way to go. All that crap about equality and equal opportunities is quite stupid. It's basically giving help to people who can't make it, or don't want to make it, thus wasting time and effort that could have been put into Alpha'ian Growth.

So in summary: I believe in high-percentage tapping of the Alpha'ians' potential, to ensure high quality of work. Beta'ians should be given a chance to lead occasionally, just to ensure that they have opportunities to demonstrate their leadership skills and possible improvement to Alpha status. Also, this should be implemented to appease Singapore's conservative policy of equality. It promotes almost maximum output with minimal input, (Using Alphas) while not ignoring the other contributing factors ( Betas ) , In this manner, the overall standard of work is improved, and the drive to succeed will be greater in people who truly desire it. This is real life, not a society where the suicidal are forced to live, and the leaders denied their fair opportunity.

That's what I believe in. Especially since people like to give Beta'ians leading opportunities, then wonder why they don't perform as well as Alpha'ians. If you want better quality, then use Alpha'ians. Stupid bitches.

Thursday, October 25, 2007



We cremated ah gong today. Was pretty intense. Ah Ma's crying was heart-wrenching, and seeing the adults cry was shaking as well.

Such a completely unpleasant experience.

Wanted to go back to school after going to Mandai Crematorium/Columbarium, just to escape the sadness and pain that I was feeling. "Workaholic is what Jo-Ann and Nigel called me, along with 'Crazy' and 'Retard' >.<

Suppose that VS is really the place where I can find emotional refuge and solace, temporary sanctuary from the emotions, until I can face them better. Just to talk to my friends, and lose myself in the happiness of friendship.

The happiness that I am determined to see happen, of course. To find that perfect balance to help my friends, getting the point across without demoralizing them. And of course, I hope they return the effort. *hint*

Blah, I'm tired. I slept at 2 on Tuesday ( finishing up stuff *Looks at Alphonsus and Glen* ) and woke up at 5.30. I slept at 4.30 on Wednesday, and woke up at 8.45. I'm now very tired, and tomorrow is going to be a long and emotional day. Due to the release of the dreaded report books.

Foogerblah.

And Nigel's swollen hip is bloody fun to whack =)

It's 2.23 am and I'm at Randall's house blogging after DotAing with Darren and Randall.

We burnt Ah Gong his house just now, filled with immeasurable amounts of gold and silver, not to mention an absolutely opulent house which seem to be a dime a dozen. Mansions must seem like cottages wherever Ah Gong is.

As the fire raged and the monk asked us to call for Ah Gong to come and live in his new house, it got pretty emotional. It really seems as though everyone is taking it quite well though, with seems being a keyword here, as Li Zhi points out. I'm not taking it as well as I thought though, because there's still some sadness and grief that I cannot seem to release. I keep trying to run away from the emotion, no matter how much I face up to it. Of course...It'll come and bite me in the future, harder than ever.

I think life's incredibly interesting of late. And what the others say is correct I hope, I hope. I'm still trying to find that balance between personal and professional, to reach that mental equilibrium in which I can perform at optimum efficiency, giving 100% with nothing to hold me back.

I want to reach that mental equilibrium with my friends. The VsCoExCo, the PSBExCo and the Monitors' Council and my classmates and my family. Just everyone I know. Learning from them, and teaching them something in return.

I feel like saying Ah Gong's death is the cause of me being so... tensed-up these days. I mean, it's an incredibly convenient excuse because I'm all so grieving and other nonsense. But that is blatantly lying. What I've been doing has been completely independent of Ah Gong's passing, and it definitely hasn't been a factor in my actions. And I've hurt people while doing it too, so here's a big sorry to all you guys.

You know, sometimes, I think It's a gift rather than a curse. Having it...And especially of late, where I seem to be able to manipulate and control it more and more, taking it in directions previously impossible.

I just hope for the best. And I'm working, towards that best. I will find that best, and I will be that best.

I also want the VSCO people to tag on my blog. And just people in general, for that matter.

Especially since I know that most of the VSCOians have permission to this blog.

You bums.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007



-Deleted-

Because it was stupid and unfair to the people whom it concerned.

sorry.

=(

Tag Replies:
Danial: Haha, thanks for the encouragement. Having some one like you with your support really helps.
Kay Fong: Thanks buddy!

Sunday, October 21, 2007





I pray for you

Yeah, after advice, I've realized that it's only responsible that I make my blog private, especially with it's emotionally-driven content.

What if you knew something. Something that you couldn't tell anyone, something you were scared to tell anyone. What if this something could hurt people. What if you can't control that something too well.

What if that something makes you hurt your friends, to keep them safe? A small prick, to avoid the scythe.

grandfather in hospital now...dad staying over there with him. mum's trying to look ok but I know she's been crying, her eyes don't lie. and i blogged about death on thursday.

yes, these are tears.

there are some things that a 15-year old teenager should not go through
there are some things that no one should go through
never ever go through.

some people crave power
some people wish they were psychic
some people desire the ability to control reality
some people covet power over others

and some just wanna throw it away.

I found one person tonight, someone that I could talk to. And looking back, perhaps I shouldn't have. it's changed now, it's changed. and for the better or worse, i'm not sure. but it's definitely changed.

like my junior told me today.
wasted tears

we bathe, the cold water takes away heat.
we cry, the tears take away unhappiness.

are tears ever wasted?
perhaps. perhaps. perhaps.

to the left to the left
it hurts

born into a world
not meant for me
too many differences
too different from me

they say we're different
that's why we're unique
god's wide cast of moulds
from which we were picked

then what was my mould
from what was it made
mud stone earth clay
gold silver bronze or jade

was the mould too weak
was it heated too much
was it flawed in structure
mistakes of such

my first faux-poem. my urethra exclaims with glee.

am i happy. or am I forcing myself to be happy.
because
because
because
because
because

there's the bridge of trust between us. i can see you, and you look like you're welcoming me, encouraging me with arms wide open. but why does your hand glint with the shine of steel. my back hurts, and my hand draws blood from it. i look down, and my hand holds a knife. i look back at you, and you turn around, your white shirt bleeds too.
the bridge is stained with blood, and the bridge corrodes as the acidic blood burns through it. can wood feel pain. the bridge remains, but it is shaky and unstable. below is a deep chasm, one with no bottom. 'it's safe' you tell me.

and i take a step on that bridge. it snaps and i fall with it. there's only one thing to do, and i jump, reaching for you. my hand is outstretched. will you grab it and pull me to you, or will you let me fall, together with the broken trust and acidic blood.

that part has yet to be written. so let us see. shall it be written with a happy ending, or shall it be written in blood.

Friday, October 19, 2007



If anyone asks, no that post is not going to be taken down. Ever. Nothing, except for spelling mistakes, grammatical and other minor errors will be edited. That post came about because I meant it, honestly, and it will never change. If anything, there are lessons to be learnt from that post, both for others and myself. And in time to come, years down the road, I will look through this blog, read the posts and see how I've changed, matured.

And without this post, I lose one part of it. I cannot do that. I will not do that. And I make no apologies about it, because this is something I believe very strongly in.



I was MSNing with someone...and he pointed out something that, throughout the period of time I've realized, but never really thought about:

'i cant explain this but i think you will turn out fantastic eventually. serious. no..after all the scoldings and trials, eventually sec 4, you ll be fantastic '

To go through this, to learn from it. It's bad now, but eventually, eventually, I'll be much better for it. I'll be a true leader, someone who can really lead others. Someone with the true leadership qualities, far more developed than what I have now. Someone that I want to be, that I want to be.

It's tough now, but the benefits far outweigh the pain.

So I'll go through it. I'll enjoy all the pain, all the sadness, all the frustration. It's part of life. Every feeling is to be enjoyed. Joy, pain, frustration...God created all these for a reason. Not to reject them, but to truly feel them, being able to accept the feeling we feel, learn what how why we feel it, and move on to experience the next emotion, the next thing.

I don't know why people hide from feelings. I don't know why I myself hide from them. Every feeling and emotion should be enjoyed, thoroughly.

Reflection. Look at the mistake. Enjoy the shame, knowing that you're learning. And then reap the rewards of maturity and wisdom.

I want this. I want this roller-coaster of emotions to be enjoyed. All the stress, the joy, the tension, the sadness, the anxiety, the frustration, it should all mean something. It does mean something. It means I'm learning, living and growing.

God put me on this ground for a reason, and it wasn't to fritter away my time. He put me here to learn, live. He gave me Life for his purpose, and it was to help. I should not be wasting God's time on this earth, I should treasure every moment of it.

I've been down.
But now I'm blessed.
Felt a revelation coming round.

Thursday, October 18, 2007



I wanted to put a quote here, but it wouldn't do justice to this post's emotions.
I wanted to type in all small case, but it wouldn't be me.

Reading Nicolas' post struck me immensely.

Some people don't appreciate their lives enough. Others are scared to appreciate it too much, for fear of the fear of losing it. Me...I see it as if I live, I live, if I die, I die. This isn't how I used to think, of course, but going through life and seeing everything that happens and can happen... I can quite honestly say that even though I would not like to die, if I had to for a cause, I would. I would die for my family, I would die for my friends. I would die for my dreams.

I wouldn't want crying at my funeral. Yes, be sad if you want to, but don't mope and grieve and wail. It's pointless. Throughout my life, I've always had a different view of death from others. It's not loss to me, it's a change. That person... will never speak to you again, will never interact with you again, ever. But he lives on in memory, and that would suffice for me. Naturally, I'd rather him not be dead, but everyone dies. I'm not afraid of death taking me. Reincarnation? Ascension into Heaven or Damnnation in hell? I've not reached that point in my faith yet, to care enough about what happens after I die. Honestly, not yet, and I'm not worried about it. After death, the problems are solved, and there's eternity to fix them. Before death, there's only the sandglass of our lives to dictate how much we do. I would focus on reality, more than anything.

Some people around me choose not to dwell on the past. Suppressing the negativity. I find it incredibly pointless, shallow, naive and ultimately stupid. It's as if mistakes mean nothing, and when the beginnings of reflection touch them, they shrink away. The Future is what they say they focus on, while it's actually delusion. They never learn, and they never look back. How can they? When they suppress and reject the shame, guilt, fear and ultimate wisdom that comes with reflection? I do not dwell unnecessarily. I believe inside everything that happens to us, good or bad, there's something to be learnt. I move on once I feel I've extracted everything from that incident, be it a mistake, accident or such. If I never moved on, I'd be stuck in the past, cursed to relive everything eternally. I'm not that dumb as to do that, and I obviously advocate being able to move on in life. But how some people treat mistakes is worrying. They say that they have 'learnt their lesson' but yet you still see them making the same errors again and again. How...How is that learning your lesson? Once, twice we make the same mistake, it's still acceptable. But continuously... And as leaders, setting a good example is quinessential. How can we possibly call ourselves leaders when we can't even lead properly?

Some people say that we're still young, we're not even 16, we should not be that matured. I think that's bullshit. Yeah, we haven't experienced all of life. So what. Wait till our deathbeds and THEN start to learn? No, I'm not doing that. We should learn as we go along. We should be mature enough to deal with our 15-year-old crisis, mishaps and accidents. I might not have experienced everything, but surely I've experienced enough to adequately respond to and deal with my current situation.

So why is that everything now is so bloody screwed up? Is Evening of Music and Drama cursed or something? First it gets shifted to post-EOYs. Then the school administration shifts the last day of school to the 26th of October [Edit, thanks Sherman]. Then 'O' levels OBVIOUSLY mean that we CANNOT be rehearsing MUSIC because it'll affect the exams. And EMD is right-smack in the middle of 'O' levels and we can't change it can we. And then there's PSLTC to plan as well, and my results are going to be best pieces of goddambloodyshit I've ever received in my life. And it's going to be fun and joy when my parents scold me for it. As if I don't already feel bad enough about the results themselves. As if I'm not pressured enough by all the shit that's happening. Huh? EMD screws up, a lot of people are going to die. I'm going to kill myself first.

And what's up with the super-enthu faux-happiness? Oh don't worry, you're very talented I know you can do it. Oh Linus, EMD is going to turn out fine. What the hell, bitch. Do I look like I need you to tell me what EMD should turn out like. Do I FUCKING look like I want it to turn out like some kind of crap? Day in day out I already hear my friends telling me that it'll be fine and whatnot.

HAHA WHAT NONSENSE.

Already Chinese Orchestra can't even play Dang Ni Gu Dan to an acceptable standard. And it's not as if they can't do it, but you have juniors who are leader-wannabes slacking around with fucking losers like S.J.W who are completely retarded and affecting the people who are actually sort of good around them. Yes, and I know a certain SOMEONE, whom we shall call Person C, who's reading my blog who would be insulted because BEST FRIEND S.J.W IS OBVIOUSLY A TRUE FRIEND WORTH HAVING YOU KNOW.

Well, if as a leader and person who hangs around with J.W almost 24/7, if you can't see that J.W is A)Retarded, B)Retarded and C) COMPLETELY FUCKING RETARDED... then that's your death wish. You were good and you knew it. And then you decided that J.W is your friend. SO go ahead and let whatever shreds of leadership you have left die and rot like the common sense in your head is doing. Friendship, bite my friggin' ass. Last time I checked, friendship did not mean dragging your talent down into the mud and then completely obliterating it. It meant helping others when they need help and not convincing them that DOTA is everything and that pausing the game as an OBSERVER is COMPLETELY acceptable. And if you're biased enough to DEFEND a person with such a degree of CEREBRAL PALSY then BE MY GUEST. IT"S NOT AS IF I DIDN'T TRY.

And then there are people who are all enthu and think with their feet. That's right, WITH their feet. Does it look like I give a flying fuck if you're enthu? If I wanted enthu I'd get Angus or some rabid person like Sulwyn. But I want GOOD with ENTHU and guess what? You're about as close to good as Steve Irwin is to winning the next Olympics. Darwin is probably spinning in his grave wondering 'why the hell is he still alive? is my theory of evolution wrong? can evolution skip a generation?' Why bother to be enthu? Just shut up, sit back and try to LISTEN to people who are clearly better than you. Like your classmate for example. Now HE can lead and HE can follow. So why can't you just grab a nice BIG cup of SHUT THE HELL UP and listen to him. You can't even follow instructions properly, seniors tell you to do something must 'why why why' and then must Gao Chuang Yi while doing it also. And your Chuang Yi is NOT EVEN good lah, simi rubbish. Give you simple simple FACE PROJECT to do also can screw up. IT MUST BE INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT, TAXING AND TIRING FOR SOMEONE OF YOUR INCREDIBLE CALIBER TO DO SOMETHING LIKE GATHERING INFORMATION.

THEN I have people in EXCO telling me LIES. 'The face project is almost complete le' SIMI BULLSHIT? Can't you just tell me that the FACE PROJECT is currently BURNING because the people we gave it to ATE IT, RAPED IT, ABORTED IT, PISSED ON IT AND THEN INCINERATED IT. Don't you think that I can, and will, eventually find out the truth, which I did FIVE minutes later. Am I so monstrously terrifying that if you tell me the Face Project is in shambles I will murder you and eat your babies? YES, I would be angry but at least tell me the truth. How does it feel being LIED to by my CHAIRMAN. If something is wrong just tell me it's wrong lah. You want to cover up for how long? If you can fix it, go ahead but half the time you NEED the ExCo or else you'll just miserably screw up. Then I'll be frustrated and annoyed and blow multiple blood vessels and then you'll look all apologetic and then I'LL feel like I'm such an asshole for scolding you for YOUR mistakes.

Go ahead, go back to your own blogs and retort with some blogpost about how linus is such a retard who only knows how to insult insult insult and is some fake leader who only preaches but never practices and swears too much and can't even play his instrument properly. Well guess what. I CAN PRACTICE my instrument and I CAN GET BETTER by PRACTICING and I ACTUALLY WILL PRACTICE. You, with your godknows apparently-7-friggin years of ZhongRuaning skills and AMAZING ability to use 2 hours to learn 1 page of DNGD, however cannot be assed to conscientiously learn how to lead others. Tag on my tagboard to tell me you've blogged/hate me/sent a nuclear warhead to my house and perhaps I'll care. Perhaps, because right now I have more important things to do, like ensuring EMD doesn't end up raped to hell.

Alternatively, you guys, for once, could actually read through the entire thing and think about why I typed it out. I know you guys don't read my posts thoroughly, which completely defeats the purpose of me even blogging in the first damn place. So if you skimmed through, you can either go back and read through it properly, ignore everything, or go on a wildfire blogflame of your own. I MIGHT care enough to show it because NO ONE ELSE FUCKING CARES.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007





And I couldn't help,
but cry.
Finally.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007



Me - 'We should put Tabasco sauce in Edwin's Prawn and Shroom Spaghetti. He'll scream in an octave that isn't supposed to exist. '
Kenneth - 'The windows will shatter'
Me - 'The serviette would shatter. The birds would explode.'

NewsFlash: All ghostly wailings, screamings and other creepy sound effects will henceforth be replaced by Buildling-Construction noises, courtesy of SengQiRuAlphonsus and LimWenJun.

=) Jokers.

Yesterday I got a call from -SOMEONE- whose name I shall not reveal because I value my life.

[After 5 minutes of conversation]
'Eh Linus, do you have a phone with you?'
'No, I'm talking to you on a banana.'

Much lurbbe to you too.

My tagboard is -bloody- dead and I update frequently so I'm fairly annoyed. I choose to content myself with the fact that it's eckzam-time which has just passed so blog readership should be going up. I will also refrain from getting a Hits Counter because the reality of my blog being read by one or two people would make me very very depressed. Depressed-er.

CO meeting today was good and productive for ever-imba Organizational. Saucely. I am hereby going to jump to conclusions that I love planning stuff because it uber rawkks to be responsible for making a lot of people very happy. Or very sad. Either way, I'm PuppetMan.

My new HP ( Horrible Product ) laptop's hard disk crashed. My PSB stuff is gone, my CO stuff is gone, all my painstakingly-accumulated Eme- PICTURES are gone. But you know what's the worst thing? The most, worstest most horriblest thing ever?

I spent the day before meticulously downloading album covers, and editing music info for all my iTunes songs. And then the computer crashes.

Damn.

I have Literature tomorrow. It's an exam that requires much insightful thinking and analysis. It's also 11.25 now and I'm pretty tired. So why am I still blogging? Well for one, I'm just tired, not sleepy. Second, there's some stuff I wanna just blabber about.

we picked it up because it looks nice and shiny. they passed it down to us, telling us 'careful. it's not easy.' we said it's ok and that we'll manage. and we did.

it got a bit heavy after a while, then heavier and heavier. we had to learn to deal with the weight, perhaps with our one hand, because the other was occupied with our everydayancies. sometime we felt like putting it down because it was just so inconvenient, that everyone else was so free and frolicking while we bore this cross.

at times, we threw it down and stomped on it. we screamed and swore and cursed at it because it kept us from so many things. it compelled us to do so many things that took so much effort. others were gleefully enjoying life to the minimum, and we could not even do that. we were angry. we just collapsed by it, sweat rolling from our foreheads and our eyes. people came, people went, people passed. some stopped to help and we reached for their hands and pulled ourselves up. they offered to help with it.

but we pick it up ourselves. no matter how heavy and how burdensome it was and is, we still picked it up. because deep inside, we know that we were meant to carry this, so that others wouldn't. he bore his cross for others, we bear this burden for others. it's not nice and shiny any longer, it's been eroded and rusted by time.

and i still hug mine to sleep everyday. because i love it. so much.

i was meant to carry it.
and at the end
it will be my trophy.

Sunday, October 14, 2007



Paul lao shi - 'Do you guys know what's 月经 ?'
Me - 'Yang En, what's that?'
Yang En - [Shrugs] ' Dunno.'
Paul lao shi - 'Errrr...well...err...月经 is that time of the month...'
Me - 'Oh, I know already. That one I am extremely familiar with.'
Yang En - [Nods] 'I know.'

Tag Replies:
Yang En: Ok...But it's not a narrative nor a descriptive. More like... ponderings -.-
ChangDa: That creativity will have to run out some day. And good luck for Biology.
Wei Liang: Haha. Long is good. Wee Bian knows that =) And yes Literature rocks.
Joshua: Blame Alphonsus. Blame the Alphonsus.

Hihix, today was a good day because I met my dardar CHIO BU GIRLFRIEND at Parkway. Wah we had a very nice lunch together. I think we've really gotten to know each other after lunch and I hope this relationship develops into something more. I lurbbe my dardar *Muackksx*

Kidding. I have no girlfriend. Stop laughing and get back on your chair.

I want a Cello. I need a Cello. I have visions of myself with a Cello and playing it. I have a vision of myself becoming a Cellist, not necessarily renowned but at least able to play it.
And I need a Cello for that. So yeah, buy me one. Pool together, it's only $1500.

Only

Grammercy ( which is this extremely quaint little music shop ) along Tanjong Katong road has this uber little pop-scores-filled book with scores like Breakaway, Emotional and Because Of You. It's also US$15.95 which is S$31 so obviously I cannot afford to buy that shit. Today.

I will be going down on Tuesday though to buy that book. I can hear it calling for me. 'Linus...Linus...' And then I realize that I'm being a silly. A book is an inanimate object, it cannot speak and I'm not crazy so obviously I know that a book cannot be talking to me. It's ridiculous that an inanimate object can have an opinion, not to mention someone even responding to it!

Boofy agrees with me. Good Boofy. I love Boofy,
My stuff toy dog.

Went to JSM after that as per usual with Yang En, feeling a bit more excited ( about church and not Yang En ) since I skipped church for a good reason ponned church last week to study intending to study but not doing so. Singing hymns traumatize me because amongst everyone my voice, especially post-throat-infection, sounds like a cat being castrated with a pitchfork. Yes, that bad. Lesson today was short, and I wasn't really paying attention unfortunately because my brain kept wandering around. Played soccer after that with Yang En's really small balls soccer ball. I am still terribly frightful of being too rough and accidentally killing the Sec 1s >.<>funeral Christmas Eulogy Hymn/song thingy after that. It's official that post-throat-infection, I need to learn to sing everything above A, particularly the B and C immediately following A because it seems to quaver magnificently in faux-vibrato following by a violent cracking of the voice and a sharp pain in my throat.

So I butchered the song one octave lower instead. Problem solvdughijokpl;\45+

BLOODY HELL.
I JUST FELL OFF THE BED.
AND MY FINGERS TORE OFF THE ":" KEY!

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:;
Wah sian...

Wee Bian has shooting skills. Went MaxcS for dinner while Chen Ee and Wee Bian pangsehedpangsehed us. Bought Fillet-O-Fish and changed to Iced Latte for a grand spanking total of $6.85. The Iced Latte sucks btw. It's terribly bland.

On another note, take a look at -->this<-- Firstly, it's Victoria School not Victoria Secondary School. Damn it.
Secondly, this is damn suay.
Thirdly, since when the hell was VS in Bedok?

At least get the facts right, dear Straights Time

I wonder when Yang En's going to update.

Oh well, time to end the blogpost here. Hopefully his entry is longer than this -.-. Hopefully.

EOY RESULTS
EMD
PSLTC
LEAD!
EXCO SESSION
YOUTH RETREAT
CHURCH CAMP
CO EOY CAMP
SEC 4
LEAD!

Ahhhh. My life is so relaxed.

Friday, October 12, 2007



Alphonsus - ' Well, it's a LAUsy paper. '

I think what Alphonsus said is true. A-maths does stand for AfterMath. In this case, it's akin to being hit by a nuclear bomb. First you're dazed, then the pain sets in, and then you wish you were dead. You can't possibly be dead though, because Broaderick Bear's on top of your face, Glen's sweating from his mouth and John's being Emo.

[Sarcasm]
If anyone's interested, yes us ExCo really did suck up to become ExCo. And we are OBVIOUSLY lousier than the usual PSL but we get extra burdens and duties and responsibilities extra PRIVILEGES too! Wow! Being an SPSS is totally easy!
[/sarcasm]

And yet, how ironical it is that you can describe how we became SPSLs, and yet you didn't. It amuses me, greatly.

The Literature paper was ... unique. After sitting down and receiving the paper, I flipped through and to my horror saw the MidSummer Night's Dream based passage. There was non-pre-coordinated cry of 'SIR!' from everyone as we all realized we'd been given Paper 2

Only during Literature. Only during Literature.

Completely forgot that we had a choice of Poem OR Prose and ended up just starting immediately on the poem. Realized after a while that we DID have a choice, and just quickly glanced through the Prose. A relatively nice and easy passage, but I didn't manage to pick up anything deep or faux-intellectual that I could possibly twist and turn into flowery insightful bullshit words so I quickly returned to the poem.

The poem was really striking. Let me see if I can find it on the internet.

Aha, got it.

War Photograher

by Carol Ann Duffy

In his darkroom he is finally alone
with spools of suffering set out in ordered rows.
The only light is red and softly glows,
as though this were a church and he
a priest preparing to intone a Mass.
Belfast. Beirut. Phnom Penh. All flesh is grass.

He has a job to do. Solutions slop in trays
beneath his hands which did not tremble then
though seem to now. Rural England. Home again
to ordinary pain which simple weather can dispel,
to fields which don't explode beneath the feet
of running children in a nightmare heat.

Something is happening. A stranger's features
faintly start to twist before his eyes,
a half-formed ghost. He remembers the cries
of this man's wife, how he sought approval
without words to do what someone must
and how the blood stained into foreign dust.

A hundred agonies in black-and-white
from which his editor will pick out five or six
for Sunday's supplement. The reader's eyeballs prick
with tears between bath and pre-lunch beers.
From aeroplane he stares impassively at where
he earns a living and they do not care.

The first time I read the poem, I could not help but be immediately fascinated by the intense emotive language used. The first thing I knew I would be discussing and expounding on would be juxtaposition because if that's not discussed then my essay sucks.

The only problem was that Juxtaposition was actually TOO GOOD a point, to the extent where everything more or less fell back under Juxtaposition as the umbrella term. Somehow or another, I managed to discuss Tone and Word Choice / Diction as two other key points.

All flesh is grass.
How could this not immediately bring out the atrocities of war? To live in a land, or to even see a place, where the ground isn't rock, isn't sand, isn't asphalt, isn't tar. It's not even grass. But it's flesh, it's meat. You're walking on the bloodied remains of others, splattered horrifically across the ground in such copious amounts that it's been likened to grass. This was one of the most powerful phrases in the entire poem, if I might say so, because in four short words, it manages to summarize every single atrocity of war there is.

A hundred agonies in black-and-white
from which his editor will pick out five or six
for Sunday's supplement

Anyone remember Hotel Rwanda? 'People will just say "that's horrible" and go right back to eating their dinner.'

Does it not create a sense of revulsion within you? A hundred agonies, only a small fraction of what was actually suffered. And only five or six are chosen. This....was actually a very interesting point that I had to literally stop writing and think about it for a few minutes. The first thing that struck me was the juxtaposition of hundred against five or six which contrasts sharply the drastic difference of the impact. A hundred photos were taken, and yet only less than 10% are shown. Does this not immediately demean the entire situation? Like it's not important enough for us to care? And it's the Sunday SUPPLEMENT because now War isn't important enough and suffering is just the norm. And the sad thing is, suffering has apparently become The norm.

And then I noticed one weird thing. Previously I had discussed about the poet's use of Tone and Word Diction. By utilizing a Photographer and his camera, I suggested that the poet intended to pseudo-mechanize the situation, by explaining everything through the photographs. As we all know, the camera is mechanical and though the shots can capture emotion adequately, I felt that it was still the main intent to mechanize the situation that drove the poet to use a 'camera' as her 'perspective' tool. And even through this 'mechanization' we can so adequately and clearly feel the emotions of the poet as she wrote this poem. The irony is so blatantly subtle ( no pun intended ) and so powerful. I struggled to twist my thoughts into words, and until now I still feel that my words lack the true sincerity and emotions of my thoughts.


Ahh blahhhhh.

Let's just hope MND one will be easier. Especially since Raphael's gotta change the entire paper now, or at least rework it. At least I know roughly where to study. Point to note being that that was exactly what I expected to come out. Simply because nothing else seemed important, or pivotal enough to discuss, yet by throwing at us the 'Lovers Scene' and asking us to discuss, explain and expound on that would be far beyond any of our capabilities, given our abysmal not-even-A1 standards ( other than Daniel who is mini-imba ) so frankly that was the only section that could come out.

The biggest clue however, came from Raphael himself. He mentioned that Bottom would come out as a subject to discuss, and then reiterated that nothing from MidYear and before would appear again.

Well guess what, Bottom only appears again in -that- act/scene -.- It seems like a frisbee that gets bigger and then hits you, to use a horribly passe cliche.

And the school administration has also decided that it would be for the best to shift the last day of school from the 2nd of November to the 26th of October. While this meant good news for a lot of students, Li Zhi and I were swearing VERY VERY eloquently yesterday night about the date change, some mothers and the consultation of several forbidden areas.

EMD's on 1st November.
Last day of school is on 26th October.

How to get 326 people to come back 5 days after school end? Wah lao.

To quote a very famous VSCO PSL, whose legendary words are much famed and worshipped everywhere:
'Sian'

Thursday, October 11, 2007



Joseph - 'Haha, Linus got headache.'
Me - 'I'm going to massage Joseph's face with a crocodile.'

The fresh morning scent that blows as I walk to school. I stride across the zebra crossing, the road, the mini-pavement and hop over the long pipe that the school security guard unfailingly uses every morning to water the beautiful bushes along our school fence.

I skip up the stairs, and the radiator suddenly blasts on with its deep menacing growl. I glance right at the third floor, and I see the corridor brightly-lit, the bench filled with Band people. Up to the fourth floor, the contrast is sharp. The corridor is dark, the little alcove leading to the auditorium quiet. Walking through it is almost surreal as I anticipate what happens when I slip out of my shoes, and pull upon the door.

The door is open,and the bright yellow lights greet me. Alphonsus, Wen Jun and Vincent sit around a lone green table, books out as they pore over them. Wei Liang is there, answering questions as I pull up a chair and slide into it beside them. The morning announcement soon comes on, telling us where Assembly is held. It's 7.15, and we make our way out of the room, where many happy memories still linger, floating around, diffusing into every inch of the room.

Up to the Parade Square, there are little cliques already sitting down. I see several threejayrians, the prefects at the flags, Secondary 1s and 2s just beginning to stream in. I drop my bag on my foot, and ease it onto the ground. My classmates already there have their textbooks and notes out, studying and reciting the formulae to themselves in a last-ditch effort.

The prefect takes the microphone. Is it Yang En or Chang Da or Syukuri or Wilgene or Wilnard or Anthoni or Shawn or Davis or Li Zhi? I don't know. In our hands we still clutch notes and formulae lists, and as we sing the national anthem and recite the pledge, only fragments of revision work fill our mind.

We sit down, and our eyes fly unabashedly back to our notes. Why not, everyone's doing it too. Mutters murmurs and questions all around. Formal letter block to the left? Area equal sum of parallel sides times perpendicular height? Mass over molar mass is it? Moments equal force times area right? The questions fly left and right and even as we trudge down to the hall, the questions still persist.

We shake hands, each wishing the other good luck. We flash thumbs up, we clap each other on the back and say all the best. Behind the smile, we all wish he will make a mistake, and we will do better. The multitude of jackets, sweaters and cardigans flash, red blue yellow green black gray white.

I sit at my seat, the ever prominent register number twenty-one, the solitary seat in a row all by itself. People pass me by, friends that flash me the fake smile and I shamelessly return it.

The paper is over, and the buzzing starts. The teacher asks for silence, and it is long before it comes. We are dismissed, and we stream out of the hall, questions already ablaze. The irony of having more questions after the exam than before is lost amongst the rapid-fire of how-do-you-do-this-questions.

Downstairs at the three rooms, we bemoan that we are screwed and that we are going to fail and that we need to go study for the exam tomorrow. The first class people quickly go back to study the rest linger around to chat and to study together.

The bus journey back is filled with dreams and nightmares and I manage to wake up before my stop. I swing my bag up and walk down the stairs. The bus stops, I get off and begin the walk back home. It is sunny and scorching, and beads of perspiration appear almost immediately as I leave the dark bliss of the bus stop.

The long road up seems far, one step one step one step one step and I pull open the gates. The jarring sound of the gate creaking irritates, but it soon passes. I open the door, and ask for water to take my medicine with. I come upstairs, turn on my computer and hear the dreaded trio of beeps. Sighing, I switch it off, turn on my old laptop and the internet connection. I bathe, and the water is cold and refreshing, the perfect opposite of the desert outside.

And today as I sit down.
I wonder why I never noticed all this before.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007



For the humorous quote of selection, visit Li Zhi's Blog >Here< style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Wei Guang: Haha, Bleach only holds Hinamori for me =)
Muslihuddin: BANANAS ROCK! Hope you don't mind me using it =)
Daniel: Yeah, with IMBAs like you how to not rock?
Kay Fong: Insecurities are the love, my ex-partner.

Justin: Haha, yeah they do. But sometimes you want certain good points and not others.
Ridha: 3F sucks, honestly -.-And that whole bone breaking thing was just plain dumb lah.
Joshua: YOU HAVE GOOD FASHION SENSE UNLIKE SHARMA btw love your collaboration with Li Zhi,
Wheeh: Haha thanks. I don't know who you are, but thanks for the encouragement =)

Fwen fwen: Thanks for tagging and the encouragement. And yeah Davis Gay is the lurbbe
Nicolas: Shit happens in life doesn't it. But yeah at the end of it all we pick up the pieces.
Wei Liang: It would actually. But then again...Maybe it's better this way?
Danial: Voice it out. Be vociferous, and enjoy your freedom of speech. Bottling up isn't good.

Chemistry was actually doable, thankfully. All further questions about whether I got so and so question wrong were helpfully answered by the 3A Imbas who can do every single question.

I just common-sensed my way through. Shouldn't be too bad, so barring like careless shading or REALLY REALLY screwed methods/calculations, I should break the 70 mark to hopefully get my A2 overall.

Here's my (optimistic) wishes for end-of-years:

English: A1 ( >75 ) Anything less is death
Literature: A2( 70 ~ 74 ) Should be achievable overall given consistent A2s/74s for CA1,SA2 and CA 2
SS/Geog: A2 ( 70 ~ 74 ) Hopefully SS saves, because Geography kills.
Chemistry: A2 ( 70 ~ 74 ) although if this exam goes well, I might even snag an A1
Physics: B4 ( 60 ~ 64 ) One of my weakest subjects
E-Maths: A2 ( 70 ~ 74 ) SA2 paper was ok, so might snag my A2 if done decently well.
A-Maths: C5 ( 55 ~ 59 ) Weakest subject still
Chinese: B4 ( 60 ~ 64 ) Meh.
Total L1R5: 1 + 2 + 2 + 2 +2 + 4 = *Counts using fingers* 13!

Not below my expected 10 points, but seeing as that the papers this time round slay people...
Although I'm really praying my Literature snags an A1, Chemistry an A1 and A-Maths/Physics/Chinese jump to a B3 for 10 points.

Ahhh I hope.

Oh well..

Pseudo-Impromptu luncheon with Shervin, Danial and Weng Keong together. David, Joshua Ng and Clement originally joining, then decided to go eat some LOWCLASS hokkien mee while we feasted at PastaMania. Creamy Chicken as always, although I decided to forgo the Garlic Bread in favour of Cream of Tomato. The soup was very very VERY tangy, but nonetheless tasty, although not something I'd pick over Garlic Bread usually. But with my wonderful inflammed throat...

Argh...there's this pounding yet sharp pain in the right side of my head, and I'm a bit dizzy. Shit.

Anyways....I've decided that it's time to end this pity-chain, this silly self-inflicted moping of misery. Whether or not others do it, whether or not my peers reciprocate, I should do it, for myself and others. My self-worth should be from within ; internal and not external. Inevitably,there are going to be downs, but there'll be ups. So let's make the ups count more than the downs.

Let me in times of sadness and loneliness, look to the fun we had together. And then let me not simply cast off the manacles of misery, but instead find the key to unlock it. To learn from my mistakes. Yes I'll fall and yes it's going to hurt and suck balls but I'm going to get up and I'm going to learn. What my friends do, I'll enjoy the good, and I'll learn from the bad. And we all learn together.

Cuz that's what friends are for yeah?
I love COians
I love MCians
I love PSBians
I love 3Gians
I love Victorians
I love VS

Tuesday, October 09, 2007



Hello. I'm from 3A. I have an IQ of 300 and I can do every paper. In the University 10-year series. My favourite pasttime is being pro, being imba, and making people awed and not slightly jealous of my brains.

Hello. I'm from 3G. I suck. Let's just worship 3A, the geniuses and prodigies-that-are. Because apparently every paper is easy.

Maths? No problem.
SS? No problem.
English? No problem
Science? No problem
Geography? No problem

Yeah well if that's the case then I'm retarded.
Because it really really just fills my day with pride, joy and absolute meaning when I barely survive a paper with my [censored] inflammed throat, and I go down to the canteen trying to find some solace, and the bombardment of exam-related questions hits me.

'I think I can only get 7 out of 8 marks leh!'
'I couldn't remember every single point!'
'Eh eh, did you notice the question asked for A diagram? Must only draw 1. Cannot draw 2!'
'Aiya, sure die one lah. Must go back study harder for Chemistry, if not sure die one!'
'Yar yar! Wah if get below 80 arh, I sure die one.'
'Linus Linus! You study already or not? Exam tomorrow leh!'
'Errrr yar...but I don't really understand mole concept-'
'HAR? MOLE CONCEPT SO EASY ONE LEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'Yes but-'
'Yar lor! Just memorize formula then spit it out lah! Do so many times already!'
'AIYA HE FAKE ONE LAH! HE SO SMART SURE CAN DO!'
'No really, I don't understand mole concept! I don't even understand Chemistry...'
'Rubbish lah! You sure score damn well de!'
'Don't suan us lah, Linus, we know you damn pro lah.'
'...'

I have never, in my entire life, wished so much that I could kill my best friends. But we all know that , obviously , that I am mean and mean people don't have feelings. So being the mean selfish evil person that I am, I decided to fake a smile and pretend that everything was alright and that the English Paper being easy really mattered to me. Beating you in 1 subject and getting thrashed in 6 others really cheers me up you know.

There's something to be said about insecurities. It sucks to be insecure, and seek security, and yet not find in it those friends whom you hold true and dear, because you haven't given them the security they need. Because you're insecure yourself. And those insecurities multiply tenfold twentyfold thirtyfold exponentially for every thing that's them, every thing that's not them, every hing that's me , everything that's not me.

You know, I proudly wear the Black Shirt, the Senior Peer Support Leader title. And yet, why does the Peer Support portion seem so inadequate and mocking. If there's irony, this is the penultimate, the grandmother epitome of all epitomes of irony. Someone tell me why I'm Vice-Chairman again?

Someone tell me why I matter again? At all? I feel disposable, more than ever. The clock ticks, the pendulum swings, and it seems increasingly like that the pendulum is but a guillotine. The clock's a bell, let's ask not for whom the bell tolls. It cannot be me, a part of me already feels dead and gone. Mr Reaper came early for that piece and there's now a hole in the heart of friendship. How quaint...in the heart of friendship. Even I'm not sure which meaning it bears. A hole in the heart of friendship? Or a hole in the heart of the friendship?

Or both? Hm? Those that matter don't seem to see the tiny details, the tiny differences in these words that appear on your screen. Why do those friends not care enough to truly say anything? I'm thankful for those who have me in them, and I'm inadequately grateful for that. But yet somehow I cannot be satisfied until the others can see. Perhaps it's too mysterious, too vague? I find it bloody blatant myself, but perhaps that just me.

I don't think it's that cheem and I'm not trying to be the next avant garde poet of my time. It's just expressing myself through my words and waiting to see, waiting to find that someone who can reach behind the computer screen and touch those words and hear them, to hear how I speak them. Except that I can't speak them, speak them out loud, because I think my heart would cry if I did. I wonder what it'll take before I can find the solace I need from them; for that someone to pull me astride, aside, inside and tell me how much I mean to them, sincerely and honestly. Their faces flash in my mind, I wonder if they can feel it, and I wonder even more if they will know I'm referring to them.

They do know. They're not dumb, they're not stupid. Maybe they just don't bother, they just can't be bothered.

And that stings harder than I thought it would, to admit that I'm just not important enough to them after all.

Sometimes I look back and wonder how it would have been like if I gone to 3A, taking Biology instead. I would be in a class of smart people, conducive for learning ; as opposed to 3G, which is obviously not conducive and filled with immense numbers of dumbasses which I apparently, in your book, number in. Surely if I had gone to 3A, my results would have been much better since the immense competition would have sparked off that inner desire to excel amongst the excellence.

3G is definitely not the smartest class. We're not the academically-strongest class, we're not the sports-inclined class, and we're certainly not the best-behaved class. We're not the epitome, we do not define Victoria School's vision.

Gentleman. Sportsman. Professional.

So hooray for mediocre results and non-conducive classrooms. Hooray for spasticated laughter, random outbursts ( Tamim ) and the spontaneous acts of blatant spasticity,because that's what we do, us 3Gians of 2007, the students from the classroom across the bridge, the class that drives teachers crazy, the class with people being called up on a daily basis.

And let us all give a loud three, mega, uber, ear-shattering cheers just for the fun of it ; that's what 3G is about, no?

But at the core of it, whenever I reflect on my decision not to choose 3A, even though I knew I would be in, it's always the one simple fact that has always held true, still does, and will always hold steady and undeniable ; it's the one, immensely and blatantly clear reason I did not choose 3A, the class with excellent results and excellent people and just excellent overall.

3A doesn't have Literature.

Sunday, October 07, 2007



I think FaceBook is incredibly overrated. It's not fun, it's a chore. Can you just imagine coming back everyday and having to bite 17 people, reply and re-poke people to tell them you love them, help others 'fight' an online war and then have to vandalize their walls which, following in Northern 'FrickingSonofabitch' Ireland's footsteps, should be renamed the Piss Walls.

If that paragraph didn't somehow the slightest hint that I am not in a good mood right now, then you have cerebral palsy and I will have to strangle you with your keyboard wire. If you're using a laptop then I'll strangle you with your mouse. If you're using an optical mouse then I'll kick you in the balls. If you're a girl then I'll ask you out on a date. The point is that cerebral palsy is bad and don't believe what the madman on the roof says.

These few weeks have given brand new meaning to the abbreviation PMS and also broken many boundaries. PMS has now been re-defined as Permanent Mood Swing which I wield as my fricking Bankai bitch sword which gives me the power to make everyone who repeats 'Senbonzakura' shove that fricking sword up their Kuchiki Byakuya-loving anal orifice. My PMS pwns all without question because its Final Release is to conjure up big steaming cups of Venti D'Pressoes and hurl them around, splashing hot mucky liquid onto everyone and instantly making them depressed and PMSy. Yes. The PMS is a fearful weapon indeed and I wield it in my grumpy annoyed hands.

I have managed to screw up my SS paper which wasn't even all that hard apart from the banana=ing ridiculous SBQ that made as much sense as Rio's compositions. By the way, during English that day, Rio was reading out his absolutely fantastic Formal Letter that sounded like he wrote it with the pen in his asscrack and whilst thinking with his ass itself. Who the hell writes a bloody Formal Letter with literary-intentions. Rio is the Niagara Falls of faux-literary bullshit and thank god he did not take Literature because I cannot imagine surviving one day of Literature Class with his poseur, pretentious analysis of a subject he evidently understands nothing about.

I still cannot understand how I managed to banana-up SEQ part B which is bloody banana'ing obvious.

It's another 5 days of exams this week and all I want to give it is the finger. I sort of wish life was a virtual world that we could escape to, with 'Back', 'Delete', 'Save' and 'Restart' buttons. And when you get tired of it all, just Power Off, rest, and get back when you're feeling better.

Unfortunately, Life right now is in Beta-Testing. As such, there are no such buttons, and Power Off is but a temporary respite to this painful path that seems to meander endlessly and needlessly.

Damn.
I should have gone Church today.

Raphael - 'Must put on my fish-bowl.'
Joseph - 'Sir, why not fish tank? Fish tank bigger.'
Me - [Bangs head on table]

I think it royally sucks that at the end of a wonderful enjoyable day
you look back and realize that
you didn't do what you wanted to do in the morning
you didn't achieve the goal that you wanted

I also think it royally sucks that depression can just set in and rip at your ass all of a sudden and you feel like you've been smacked with The Big Bad Tree of You Suck Massive Balls even though everyone's been telling you that you shouldn't dwell on this because you know that you can never be like that person, no matter how hard you try.

Well, maybe that's what's got me depressed huh?

Tuesday, October 02, 2007



Got this quiz off Danial's blog. It's unnervingly accurate =.=

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image in the eyes of others. You are looking for acknowledgement from your peers and those who come into your sphere of influence. You want to be liked, not for what people think of you but for what you really are.

Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.

Monday, October 01, 2007



Jia Yang - 'Just imagine her playing WoW upside-down in Yoga positions.'
Me - [O.o]

Surrrrrrrrrveyyyyy timeeeee. Ripped from Danial's blog.


1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
. Oh joy.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
. ...Mostly.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
. Um sure, if it's a good country/state.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
. Yup

5. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?
. Errrrr.... Not getting our priorities straight and not being able to communicate with her effectively.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
. Hmmm..
Yang En: 'Huh? Doctor need to give medicine?'
Alphonsus: 'Let me give you an ice-pack.'
John: 'Here, cyanide.'
Errr...Wei Liang bah(x)

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
. Not...really...

8. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
. Haha... =)

9. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
. Friends first...until....

10. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
. June.

11. What did the last text message you sent say?
. It was to Alphonsus. Classified =)

12. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
. Personality. In everyone haha.

13. Fill in the blank. I _______ you in my life..
. Prod

14. Att or Single?
. Meep.

15. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an long period of time who would you call?
. Parents. Then YangEn/Alphonsus/LiZhi/Danial.

16. How many kids do you want to have?
. 2

17. Love Someone?
. ''Only with God's Grace'' =)

18. Where was your default picture taken?
. Kegan designed it for me. Gosh, I haven't talked to Jo-Ann/Nigel/Kegan/Randall in ages.

19. What's your middle name?
. Um...Don't actually have one.

20. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
. Exam stress, some VscoExco issues ( like that's new ) and some PSB-related administrative stuff. Wow, it sounds all so important -.-

21. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
. If anything, then I'd go back to Sec 1. Change myself then so that I would have attended Sec 1 CO practice, and gotten to know Alphonsus/YangEn/John/Vincent/WenJun etc sooner. For one more year of enjoyment that I never had.

22. Shoe size?
. 7-ish I think.

23. What are you wearing right now?
. Yellow tee and blue bermudas.

24. Righty or Lefty?
. For writing, righty. Anything else, either.

25. Best place to eat?
. Sushi Tei lah.

26. Favorite animal?
. Pandas.

29. Favorite juice?
. Apple.

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
. Nope.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
. All too often.

32. Ever had plastic surgery?
. No. Never.

33. Who knows you the best?
. Haha... Other than me...and of course God...I guess people like Danial, the VscoExco and my parents?

34. Do you get along with your family?
. Yeah.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
. Smexi glasses

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
. Yes. Sorta

37. Been to Mexico?
. Nope

38. Did you buy something today?
. Yeah. 2 french toasts, 1 blue-berry drink from canteen.

39. Did you get sick today?
. Not really, felt sick though.

40. Do you miss someone today?
. Haha. It's irritating being mysterious I know, but really I don't want to say lah.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
. Haha YES!

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
. I dunno.

43. Last person to lay in your bed?
. Me.

44. Last person to see you cry?
. Haven't really cried in a very very long time.

45. What was the last channel you watched?
. Channel U, the STUPIDEST Korean show ever I swear.

46. What are your plans for the weekend?
. Rest, relax, attempt to study, settle school stuff.

47. Who do you think will repost this?
. Anyone who can be bothered lor. I'd list people like Alphonsus/YangEn/Emersius/Bryan but they never do it anywhere. P.S: Do it.

48. Are you happy?
. Yeah, I'm blessed.

49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
.Wei Liang?

1 Hair Color
- Black.

2 Is it Dyed?
- Nope.

3 Eye color
- Brown.

4 Height
- 165.

5 Style
- Casual

6 Glasses/Contacts/None?
- Glasses

7 Freckles
- No.

8 Body Type
- Normal I guess.

9 Shoe Size
- 7

10 Piercings
- No

11 Want More?
- Hell no.

12 Tattoos?
- Nope.

13 Want More?
- Ugh no.

14 Braces?
- My ever-pleasant metal train tracks.

15 Overall Best Feature?
- My winning and charming personality
[/sarcasm]

16 Overall Worst Feature?
- I dunno. Face?

17 Do you get most of your traits from mom or dad?
- I inherited the brains, but not the academic-field excellence ( like I'm shit at maths and sciences, and my parents rock ) and I DEFINITELY inherited their wonderful winning personalities and MOST DEFINITELY their TEMPERS, COMBINED.



1. Danial
2. Alphonsus.
3. John
4. Yang En.
5. Wei Liang

1. How did you meet 3?
` Haha, Vsco.

2. What would you do if #2 and #3 were going out?
` Oh man.. *Grimaces*

3. How long have you known #4?
` Since end sec-1/early sec-2?

4. What do u think of #2?
` Uber nice, uber guy all-around.

5. A fact about #4?
` Errr............................um............................. Kind-hearted.

6. Who is #2 going out with?
` Another ice-cube.

7. What's #1 do for a living?
` I dunno. Terrorizing little kids?

8. Where does #5 live ?
` A BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL DELICIOUSLY SHORT 2 MINUTES WALK AWAY FROM ME Errr Serangoon.

9. Is #1 your best friend ?
`Yup!

10. Do you miss #2?
` Haha, just SMSed him like 30 minutes ago.

11. What would you do if #3 and #4 were going out?
` Oh beautiful. Just gorgeous. Emo sheep cutting themselves on barbed/electricfied fences.

12. Ever gone somewhere with #5?
` Yar.

13. What would you do if #1 and #4 were going out?
` Yang En would just get suanned till he starts baaing crying.

14. What do you think of #3?
` mushroom D(estroy) N T(errorize) PROSTER!

15. Ever slept over in the same house with #5?
` School can?

16. Ever been to #2 house?
`NO BUT I WANNA GO AFTER EXAMS

17. What would u do if #4 was in jail?
` Ask the farmer to release him because he's the VscoExco chairman and we all lurbbe him loads and toads.

18. Do you care about #3?
` Duh.

19. What is the one thing you love about #1?
` That he's always there if you need him.

20. Would you ever party with any of #1-5? every weekend?
` Party yes. Every weekend? No lah.

21. Ever see #4 naked?
` OMGYESOMGNO

22. Do #1 and #2 know each other?
` Yup. Yay for Junior Leaders!

23. Are you related to any of the 5?
` Not by blood. But they feel like the brothers I've always wanted.

24. Have you kissed any of the 5?
` EMERSIUS Nope.

25. Ever do something illegal with any of the 5?
` No. I"m a good boy.

Okok, I'm going to be a goodboy and go read my Bible now because I'm going to be a good Christian and a good person and VERY VERY importantly a DAMN BLOODY GOOD SENIOR.