Saturday, August 04, 2007



Me - 'Wen Jun! You're cold because of someone! You know who?'
Wen Jun - 'Alphonsus?'
Me - 'Nope!'
Wen Jun - 'I dunno, tell me.'
Me - 'Nico. Because 你 cold


Lalala.

Here's breaking news. My nice smexi laptop's busted because I dunno why and it now super sucks because I'm forced to use my old laptop. And we all know my old laptop sucks.

Sarah (My laptop) will be away on 'sick leave' for 5 days. I am now in pseudo-depression and mourning.

Thursday was boring. Lessons, then practice after school. Royally screwed the juniors for blatant defiance. Melvin is such a dolt that he can't even comprehend basic instructions. And of course the juniors would strive to emulate him because Melvin is 'fun' and 'easy-going' and 'nice' while I am, of course, 'evil', 'strict' and 'anal-retentive'.

This is definitely so true because everyone knows I love being sucky and inefficient. I mean, COME ON LAH! 6 months and they can't bloody tell a low b from a high b? Can't even play G which is an open string? I can teach slow juniors. I can teach enthu juniors. I can't teach immature mentally-retarded juniors and that is more or less what they are, with the notable exception of Wei Xuan who is actually half-decent thank god.

Friday depressed me because the entire day was pretty much wasted on stupid idiotic time-wasting shit that I shouldn't have had to do, but had it thrown on me by inconsiderate people who think I have all the time in the world to serve them and complete THEIR jobs. Found out during recess that I would have to pre-brief the PSB/PB about SLC.

It's not so much the last minute thing that I'm annoyed about, but more of the fact that I screwed it up. I mean, charisma is suppose to be my forte, and I can't even make my peers listen to me. Alphonsus, Yang En and Glen were so distracted and it really shook my confidence lah. When the people closest to you don't listen, how can you expect to hold the interest of the rest? Even though it was really quite last-minute, I still should have been able to do it damn it. It's not that difficult right? Hell, it's not difficult at all. Just go there, brief them according to the agenda, and done and done. It's bloody easy and still I managed to screw it up. Because I just suck like that ok?

There's really quite a lot of shit going on in my life right now, and I'm pissed about it. It's not even my fault, and yet I still have to deal with it because others can't. And not getting the emotional support I need really sucks. It really does. And I just want to be selfish and demand for emotional support. I wanna be bloody self-centered and care about myself and myself only because I want something in return, someone to show me that what I'm doing is actually worth something.

I want to know from someone that I'm not a slave to them and that I'm not worthless and that I mean something. And that I'm not just doing stuff to make me feel 'fulfilled' and to fill up this faux-life. And I wanna hear it from the people closest to me. I'm not asking for a whole celebration and 'Appreciate Linus Day'. I'm asking, and selfishly demanding that people really thank me and perhaps just ask 'how's your day' and tell me that I'm really 'doing something useful' and that they're 'grateful for me.' Because I do it for others and even though it's suppose to be some 'no ulterior motive' shit but I just want to be selfish and scream that I NEED SOMETHING TOO DAMMIT BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP GIVING WITHOUT TAKING.

And I want it from the people closest to me. It just occured to me that people are going to be quite affected by this entry and perhaps I'm being a little too honest but quite frankly I don't give a flying f-because I'm in inner turmoil right now.

I want to be appreciated by my friends! Yang En, Alphonsus, Danial, John, Shervin etc etc. I just want to know that I mean something to them and that I'm not coming off as some useless slave thingy to manipulate like a puppet. God damn it I don't want to be a puppet, I want to be somethinig. Yes I may be paranoid. Hell I probably am bloody paranoid but you know, I seriously feel I deserve to be paranoid because life's just sucked recently and lots of shit has been happening and even more shit has NOT BEEN HAPPENING stuff that I really want and it's not given it's not offered to me and IT'S JUST BLOODY SHIT LAH OK?

I want to be selfish. I want to swear my lungs out I want to scream vulgarities right now. I want to shout and shriek that I don't bloody care about leadership because what the hell has leadership done for me. I want to be able to yell that moral values mean nothing to me and that I'm just bloody tired of having to be so good because nothing seems to come from it and that I'm so messed up right now. I want to scream that I'm tired I"m just bloody tired and that I want to rest and I want a break but I can't take a break and I won't give myself a break because I feel empty. And I want to stand on top of the Victoria School building and just scream my lungs out scream scream scream scream scream and just scream until blood comes out and I collapse and all the anger is gone all the frustration is gone because I need it to be gone to be gone to be gone to be gone to be gone.

I want to grab people by the neck and scream 'why are you so bloody perfect' in their faces, people like Yang En and Glen and NOT Wei Liang because I don't know why but doing that to Wei Liang feels like the ultimate sin. But I want to just scream at some people and beg them to not be so bloody perfect so that I don't feel so inferior to people like Yang En and Glen who can do everything and anything and do EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING WELL while whatever I try to do might come out well but it sucks in comparison and people will mock and say that 'it's good' while their rosy apple in their chests turns black with the poison laced in their words.

I want to be better and more mature and more efficient and a better person and I just want a lot damn lot of things yes I do! I want people to respect me and look up to me and accept me for who i am and what I'm not! I want to be the best because I'm just shallow and competitive like that and I"m selfish and I need care and attention that I'm obviously not getting or not seeing! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I hate a lot of things right now I just hate them so much. I hate so many people right now and it's so wrong to hate them because they are good people and they are doing the right things and they ARE right and yet because I have yet to learn to appreciate myself and transcend this pitiful level of maturity to reach that level of 'enlightenment' that TANYANGEN and GLENNGJIANSEN seem to have and wield like a bloody freaking powerful sword. I hate that shit happens to me and that I have to deal with it otherwise it ends up my fault because I WAS SUPPOSE TO DO IT BECAUSE I'M SO DAMN GOOD but haha I'm not I really am not!

I want to bang my head repeatedly against the wall until all the hatred and all the anger and all the frustration and all the WANTS ALL THE BLOODY WANTS spill out and I don't quite care if the good things spill out too because I want all the negatives OUT OUT OUT OF MY BRAIN OUT OF MY BRAIN OUT OF MY BRAIN!

I want to slap myself everytime I'm mean to Yang En and Alphonsus and Glen and company because they don't deserve it and yet I'm doing that and I'm a bloody bastard yes I am shit shit shit what the hell should I do even though I know what to do and yet I don't know what to do and shit shit shit I'm confused help me help me help me I'm soooo tired.

I want to be the Valedictorian the best PSB Vice-Chair the best CO Secretary the best Monitor the best classmate the best friend the best senior the best junior the best comm member the best non-comm member the best gentleman the best professional the best student the best one hundred and eleventy-thousand different hundred freaking things. And I just want to be the best.

I want people to read this blog and start caring about me caring about me caring MORE about me to care to care MORE and show it SHOW IT SHOW IT TO ME BECAUSE I can't don't mightn't see it so wrapped up in my own world unable to open up like the butterfly in the cocoon only not metamorphosis but de-evolution degrading degenerating dying. I want the people I mention and the VsCoExCo and my classmates and my teachers and NOT MY PARENTS to read this and I want a lot of shit a whole long list of crap that would make Jolly old saint nickolas' list look like toilet paper. I want I want I want.

I want back that which I never had that glimmer of hope in that person that I hoped I could have I hoped to be with but it didn't happen and I'm not bitter and yet it still aches because I don't think there'll be another I doubt it I don't think so. I want what I don't have what I lost what I gave up what I rejected and I want to be able to choose life again and get 100% for everything because we're such a bloody meritocratic society who proclaim ourselves focused on moralities which is actually a whole big bunch of bullshit.

I just want to for one day for one hour for one minute be that which I gave up when I decided to lead. I want to scream and shout and yell and misbehave and be the antiithesis of a good example and shock everyone with my behaviour and just get that attention I need and I want to be bad bad bad evil horrible and just be sucky because I want it and I want it.

I want people to care about me and I want it so bad.



And now that that's out of my system, I'm still pretty pissed, but a little more pacified. I like the way my posts can randomly degenerate into a screaming piece of emo mass that could probably pass off as an abstract literature piece. That's the first 'like' I've used this entire post I think.
I'll be adding a list soon where I'll add something that makes me happy. That is, everytime I blog, I'll add something to that list, something or things that made me happy. That can be my happy list and I'll look to it for happiness. Because God knows I need that in my life.

I need to pray, sincerely because it's been such a long time since I've done that and I feel sucky now.