Friday, June 15, 2007



Me - "Ugh...This is so boring...Must...Chop..."
Glen, Me, Musli - "WOOD!" [Bursts out laughing]

Hahaha!

Today Musli and Glen came over to my place. Alphonsus was suppose to, but he fell sick, down with a fever and headache. Must be serious, no? Mr Freeze himself catching a fever.

Get well soon Phonzi!
*Support!*

Anyway, went to the station to fetch Glen at about 1. Musli was coming at 2, so we decided to go makan first. Nearly got lost going to the McDonalds here since it's been ages, eons and ismails ago that I've walked that part of my neighbourhood.

McWings and a Hot Fudge Sundae really hit the spot. Talked with Glen about lotsa PSLTC stuff too, and I realize he's really quite different in his mindset. He's more of a try-new-things-and-methods person, while I'm comfortable with what we are doing, and aim to refine and perfect it instead. But I really feel we work very well together, because communication between us is just so clear, more than anyone else I know.

Wish us luck in bringing VSPSB to greater heights!

Hmmm, I really don't know my neighbourhood. Looks like an excursion is in place. Me, my MP3 and nature. Well, concrete nature anyway. Lots of void decks, because this is Serangoon.

And Kenneth Tay may be living shooper-dooper close to me. If his new home is near Serangoon/Bartley Road...it's like just down the road from me. Literally.

Haha, he's panicking about it on his blog =)

Back to Musli/Glen

*EmochatswithsomeoneonMSN*

Yar, so Musli and Glen came over to draft some stuff for PSLTC. Had hell convincing Glen to come here because he was "tired after playing golf" ( which he left halfway due to bad weather anyway...) I won in the end =)

Planning was super super fun, because we were half-digressing and half-planning. As in, plan quite a bit, then get distracted by something ( like my foot on Musli's hair when he tried to stand up, resulting in snapping his head back ). But the planning was fine, taking only 3 hours. I can safely say that is by far more efficient than 5 CO Comm meetings put together.

Here're some memories from today:

Me - "Ok...so it's group leaders are to"
Musli - "Bring their groups to hunt down witches and burn them."
Me, Glen - "What the?"

Me - "Competitive spirit"
Glen - "Yes, make them cheer against each other!"
Me - "We'll send them to war against each other. Losing team dies"
[ Second of silence]
Me, Glen, Musli - [Literally rolling with laughter]

Glen - "We can have the 6 words thing from Sec 3 camp"
Me -"Yar. Words like black forest. Deep dark cave."
Musli - [Giggling] "Volcano."
Glen - "Sick lah."
Me - [Laughing]"Train!"
Musli - "Eruption!" [Bursts out laughing]

Glen - "Linus, you free tomorrow?"
Me - "Morning I got prac, then I'm playing soccer. Yes I play soccer."
Musli - "Glen can't play soccer."
Glen - "Yes I can hor. Later I'm going to my grandmother's place to play soccer ok? I'm damn good at it."
Me - "When playing against who? Your grandmother?"
Musli - [Snickers]

Glen - "You two can host a show called Mean Boys lah. Get along so well. So bitchy."
Me - [Bimbo accent] "Like totally."
Musli - [Bimbo accent] "We can so totally do it."
Glen - "Okok, let's get back to-"
Musli - "Oh my god, Glen, can you like not interrupt us with your like nonsense."
Glen - [Sputters indignantly]

=) Musli and Glen are sooooooooo funny lah. Fun, AND efficient. How rare is that? Can the CO comm reach a level of efficiency anywhere near ours? I doubt it, not with our current standard.

Of course, some people will not think and say that I'm insulting the CO comm. Obviously these people do not know me well and/or are idiots. Anyone who even knows me decently well will realize that it's far from my intention to scold. My intention is to point out a flaw. Not to blame, not to point fingers, but just to point out the flaw. And fix it.

Sometimes, I find it's just better to cut myself off from my emotions, especially when deadlines draw near. This really holds true for stage-work, something I'm really passionate about. SYF Drama pissed me off countless times because of the sheer un-professional attitude of the actors and stage crew. When you can't even do your part properly, am I not suppose to point it out? Shall I instead, sit back and pretend nothing happened? I can, and I did. But very little got done that way. Oh sure, people were happier that way because no one had his flaw pointed out.

Well to hell with that. Why should I let YOUR short-term happiness impede and obstruct efficiency? So just so that you can be happier for 1 second, I shouldn't point out a flaw? I'm not even scolding them, just pointing out a flaw. Perhaps in my customary manner which is more direct and more brusque than others, that I admit. But I pinpoint the flaw. Shall I waste time, hemming and hawing and mincing my words in an attempt to euphenize it? Or can't I just get to the point. "You did this wrong. Try doing ..." Saves time, saves effort. Why should pride get in the way of bettering yourself? So you made a mistake, deal with it. Just stop crying and whining about it and fix it.

Surprisingly, I find in Dota a very relevant representation of this. I know I'm not good, but what pisses me off is when people try to "help" by telling me that "I should farm better." Well, I'm not a braindead retard, I know what I should do. But your pathetic and probably hypocritical effort to help is completely useless. Why not tell me how to do it. "Time your last-hits" or even stuff like "Use Alt to see lifebars to better get the last-hit" Both of the two examples are far better than "you should farm better." What's so good about making someone feel slightly lousier?

You're not even making him feel good, dammit. It's just slightly better than lousy. Get it? It's not positive, it's just a higher negative. It's not -5, but it's just -3. Either way, it doesn't help. If you don't point out and suggest solutions, then it's about the same as just not saying anything at all. You're doing the equivalent of pointing out my mistake, but just watching me do it over and over again without actually telling me what I'm doing wrong. Thanks a bunch, really, for your sheer uselessness.

When I become more cold, things get done better and faster. Maybe your feelings are compromised a bit, but that's your pride talking. Your ego is hurt, but your talent is still unscathed. You're not traumatized, neither are you so deeply scarred that you'll never ever be able to continue. But you're angry that I pointed out a flaw. Congratulations, your immaturity far exceeds known barriers. You must be proud of your stupidity, because you're simply dumb enough to be so.

I'll find that balance of emotions and efficiency. And I don't believe that you can have too much of both. Emotions are both a help and hindrance to efficiency, and I'll find some way to overcome the hindrance. And if it's by cutting emotions off entirely for that situation, then I'll do it. And I know I'm capable of it, because I've done it before.

Sacrifices must be made. I see Cruella De Vil's point now.

Socio-pathic? Maybe I am. I dunno. Maybe that's someone I want to be. But I don't, not really. I don't want to be emotionless, but just enough to not let emotions hinder something which is clearly better yet obstruct by something as silly as pride or shame. It's a waste, it's a bloody waste, and I'll overcome it.

I'll find that balance. Emotions and efficiency, I believe one isn't the other. Maybe you guys out there disagree. I don't know, and perhaps, depending on who you are, I don't care. I'll forge my own path and make my own discoveries. Perhaps that's the only way I'll ever be sure.

And there's the fear of not being able to be sure.

When you're never going to be certain of something, whether you're right or wrong...
How do you proceed?
Do we just continue?
Or do we breakdown.

When you're not sure...

It scares me really, that there'll come a time when I have to choose. And neither is definitely right and I have to choose sides. Can I make that decision? I don't know, really I don't know. Or maybe before then, I'll fall by the wayside.

Remember when we were 14, and still playing catching? That seems such a short time ago, and yet so long. Physically, we're not much different. But my mindset has changed so much...

And recently, I've been having nightmares again. I thought I was free from them, and I was wrong. Nightmares about you, and what you did.

I hate you, I really do. What you did, you did without thinking. It's nothing to you, but those 6 months were hell to me. It's nice, your position of power isn't it? The way you used it to make sure that I couldn't be happy, but still I had to look happy. Because if I didn't, you'd be angry and it'd start all over again.

But thank you for what you did. Because I learnt something. I learnt that you abuse your position and authority to do what you did. Your actions never justify themselves with anything but force, because you know what drives you is selfishness. You did what you did to me, without thinking about how it affects me. And it did affect me, more than you or anyone else will ever know. Like a scar, it never goes away, no matter what I do. Because there's no surgery for memories, both good and bad.

I wasted a year in something incredibly dear to me because of you. Or I used to think it was you. But I've decided that it was my fault. Because I should have seen past your actions, to see the cowardly bastard that hid behind that facade. I should not have let what you did affect me. To such a great extent, because there's no denying that scar that you did rend.

And yet, I find that I thank you for it. Because at the end of it, and as I continue on my own path, I can tell myself one thing.

I will never be like you.