Sunday, May 20, 2007



[Tanjong Pagar MRT, looking at the directional signboard / map ]
Emersius - "Where's the You Are Here sign?"
Me - 'Does it look like we need one? Not to point out the obvious, but we're in front of THE STATION."

Arghhhh, emo emo emo.

Had a great day today though =)

Yesterday's leadership talk was ok lah. Saw the RGS girls - Wei Ling, Jacqueline, (Gabriel'sGirlfriend)Ada and a couple of the other PSC comm people =) Joy told me in church today that she was there, as a Girls' Brigade member. Didn't see her though, since she was mostly in the booth.

Mr Martin Tan's daughter, Megan, is damn damn cute.

Anyway,

Danial Nicolas and I raped Glen post-talk because Glen was being a cute little asshole ( in a good way, I suppose ). Met up with the CO guys at Tanjong Pagar.

Started feeling quite unwell after about an hour or so. Was perspiring profusely for absolutely no reason, far far far more than the others were. My heart was pumping like crazy, although it likes to do that of late, so I'm not too sure if it's connected. And then to make matters worse, it happened.

I mean, when something of that magnitude happens, it's bad enough. When the person involved can't even tell you to your face...I mean...It really hurts lah. After so many years, the least you could do is just have the decency to tell me straight-up. At least call, I mean. Sending an SMS might have been the most peaceful way, but there's just much anger, and so many questions left...

But I'm not pursuing the matter any further. If you want it that way, then let it be that way. It hurts, trust me it hurt like hell, and it still does, but if this is the way that it's going to have to be, then I'm not going to fight it. Maybe it's better this way. I don't know. I'm praying it is.

Anyway, the point of those previous two paragraphs wasn't to inform you all of the emotastical things happening in my life. It's just to highlight the next point.

Basically, because of how absolutely shitty I was feeling, I started to emo-emo and be all anti-social and bitchy. Snapped at Yang En quite a few times, and he was only trying to help me.

Sorry, Yang En.
Sorry, Alphonsus.
Sorry, Wei Liang
And sorry, anyone else that I hurt yesterday.

During the TJCCO concert, Yang En said something that quite struck me.

"Sometimes when I talk to you, you're so resourceful. Then other times, you're so empty."

He meant it in jest, but still it's the implication of that statement that really struck me. Do I want to be that kind of person who can only be good half the time? So I'm good half the time, and then the other half I'm a useless bitch. Wonderful. My life has meaning now.

And that brought me to another point. I'm ashamed of the way I've been treating those around me. I've been a stuck-up bitch, treating almost everyone with contempt.

If I were to meet me now, as in face-to-face, I'd probably tell myself to screw off and get a better attitude.

And that's immensely worrying.

What's wrong with me?




Whatever it is, I'm not letting it affect me any longer. I'm going to treat the people around me better. I don't have any right to belittle them like how I do now. I'm so ashamed of myself.

And thanks for the encouragement, those who have been providing moral support, and some physical support even. But this is something that I need to go through. I'm becoming better through this. It's harsh, really, but that's the way I am on myself when I see my mistakes. And I appreciate your concern, but please do not dissuade me from this. I need to experience this. I'll "recover" soon enough, but until I go through this whole reflection-exploration process, I don't think I can even begin to call myself mature.

But thanks for the help.
I'm grateful for you guys.