Friday, May 18, 2007



Me - "Oh no, I just got 49.9/100 for overall a-maths, that's all"
Nishant - "Ouch!"
Me - "Yeah, it hurts physically. Or maybe that's gastric, I don't know. "

My exam results are depressing and I now know why people resort to slitting wrists. The damn emotional pain is almost physical, yet it's just this burning agony inside you that you can't voice out, you can't drive away. It's like my heart's on fire.

I got 49 /100 for E-Maths and A-Maths.
English is a B3
Physics is a B4
Chemistry is a 50/90
My life is a wreck.

It's not really so much me. Not that much. But it's the looks of disappointment from the people around me. After receiving my abysmal grades, I promptly SMS'd my parents informing them of my results. And that if they as much as mentioned the grades, I'd have a breakdown. Which I did anyway, so it didn't really matter.

Came back home, flopped myself on the bed and just cried. What did I promise my parents and Ms Tang? I promised them good grades. And look at what I got. Look at the SHIT that I produced. Already my L1R5 is a horrendous 7+3+4, 14!

14! That's already more than my CA1?

I haven't spoken to my parents yet. I don't think I can. Even Mitch Albom's For One More Day couldn't inspire in me the courage to talk to my parents. They're acting normal, even though Mum's evidently not pleased. I don't think I can face them, yet. Not without breaking down. Just thinking about it...I can feel the tears already.

It's such a waste. I mean...I tried, I really did. All that Resiliency/Arete thing...Who cares already? They make failure sound so "okgetupandgo". But it's not like that. This kind of failure, to me, it's devastating. I mean, I'm practically an emotional wreck right now. I haven't spoken to anyone since I left the CO room. And the only reason I didn't outright have a breakdown in the CO room is because I just couldn't let myself go in front of them. Not in front of people whom I'm suppose to set a good example for.

Heh...All this while, I've been so sanctimonious, so holier-than-thou. Now I see what I really am. A failure. I can't even get my academics straight. I laughed at Max and the rest, and look what it gave back to me. My grades are pathetic! Thank you karma for biting me in the ass.

It's really a wake-up call to me. A voice that tells me " You little bastard. You want to run for PSB chair and you dare to produce this kind of results? WORK HARDER!"

But now I'm scared. I'm so scared, that these grades will affect my chances of getting that PSB chair post.

It means so much to me. So, so much. I'm craving that post, so incredibly much, and no one will ever understand why. The real why. And I'm just so scared now. Never in my life have I felt so small, so insignificant, and such a failure.

I'm scared... I really really am...

Let this be a lesson to me, at the very least. That I learn something from this. I've certainly devoured a huge chunk of humble pie this time round.

Thanks Danial. Thanks for the encouragement.
Thanks Shervin. For the crash-courses and constant support.
Thanks Weng Keong. Standing by me means so much to me.

But I'm still...

I'm really still scared.
Please...PSB...don't leave me. I'm like a desperate sailor, floundering about for something, someone, to save me, for me to cling onto. And if you disappear, then I'm to drown. In the worst kind of death.

I'm drowning in my own fears and failures. It hurts so much.
And the tears don't seem to help.