Sunday, May 07, 2006

Emotions

Edna - "I'm high on porridge!"

Had a long talk with Hansen just now. Let it suffice to say that it really made me think about who I am...And I came to a conclusion...

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry for a lot of things that I've done...

I'm sorry for being an asshole...

I'm sorry for being overbearing...

I'm sorry for all the nasty, sarcastic remarks I've made...

I'm sorry for all the emotional pain I've caused...

I'm sorry for all the physical pain I've caused...

I'm sorry for hurting those who care about me...

I'm sorry for hurting those who love me...

I'm sorry for hurting those who I love...

I'm sorry...

I've realized that I've hurt a lot of people in my life.

But really...

Did anyone think about why I am me?

Why am I the way I am?

My life isn't what people think it is. It's not just play, play play.

I grew up being taunted and teased. Among my cousins, I was often the one who got the worst. Then I received a nickname.

They think it's funny. They think it's so nice that they can call me that. They think it's so nice that I get angry, that I get pissed off.

BUT IT'S NOT! I'M NOT FINE WITH IT! YOU GUYS THINK THAT IT'S SO DAMN FUNNY? THAT YOU DON'T EVEN CALL ME BY MY REAL NAME ANYMORE? DO YOU KNOW THAT IT TEARS AT SOMEONE'S EMOTIONS TO KNOW THAT THEIR COUSINS DON'T CARE? Do you know what it's like to feel that way? I bet you don't. What's more, I bet none of you EVEN CARE!

Primary School. P1~P4 was ok. But enter P5, people started to call me gay. At first...I shrugged it off. But it gets to you...No matter how emotionally strong someone is, it will begin to eat away at you. At first, you start to feel sad for no reason. Then it'll become sudden outbursts. I tried telling them to stop. Does it work? NO!

Secondary school. Straight off the bat, 5 people start calling me gay. Again, I shrug it off. It continues, I still try to ignore it. Finally, I can't take it anymore. I go up to them, tell them to stop. What happens? They laugh.

Then one day, we're playing cards after the exams. One of them whacks me on the head with the drum sticks. Irritatedly, I bat them away. Then suddenly, this punch strikes me on the side of the head. Rage boils up within me, but I restrain myself. I want to strike back, I want to retaliate. I WANT REVENGE FOR EVERYTHING HE'S DONE! But I still hold myself back, telling myself that I must be mature, that I must control myself. I refuse to become like him!

But you can't always do that. Sooner or later, you just break. You put on a facade, pretend. But inside, you're really this bitter person who just wants to release all the negative emotions. But yet, I can't.

I don't cut myself much slack. Even simple, tiny little mistakes can really affect me...But I still know that it's my fault. After all, almost everything in my life has been somehow MY FAULT!

It was MY fault that I got an eye infection.
It was MY fault that I got a nickname because of that stupid infection
It was MY fault that my cousins regard that nickname as my real name
It was MY fault that I was called gay in primary school
It was MY fault that I am called gay in Secondary School
It was MY fault that I've become what I am today
It was MY fault that I've become this bitter person

IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT ISN'T IT?