Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Don't Cry Out Loud

Mr Meyer - "And remember, if the delegates talk to you, please give them proper, intelligent model answers."
Me - "Ah...So we must lie."

Ah! So tired, yet I have tuition later. Just thought I'll blog a bit about today.

Today was the post-exam crap aka waste of time. I was chosen as a sacrificial victim member of a hastily-assembled hockey team. I played about 10 minutes total, touching the ball an amazing 2 times. Then I got pissed off and went for recess.

Helped Ms Koh with the filming, then played Murderer with Clement, Kevin, Mervin, Dexter, Shawn, Jackson, Michael, Zheng Ting ( is that how you spell his name) and 3 other people. Anyways, I discovered that I can really freak Kevin out. Also, I will be a very bad policeman. Not surprisingly, I was good as a murderer.

Anyways, went back to class to play cards with Danial, Kevin, Ridha and Dexter. Won only 1 out of 5 or 6 games, but whatever. Went to Danial's house to bathe since even I couldn't stand how smelly I was ( blasted hockey crap). Made it back, ate a hasty lunch then went for drama practice.

Went to Grand Copthorne Waterfront. That hotel rocks. The moment I stepped in, I saw this absolutely lovely carpet. The ballroom where we're performing is also awesome. But the curtains don't match ( kudos to AdeebFBAAM for pointing that out). Other than that, the room was awesome.

Ran through the play about three to four times. Forgot my lines the first time through, but remembered it at the last moment, so it was ok I think. Doesn't seem like anyone noticed. All of us worked on the footwork and positioning. The ballroom is huge, so the voice projection is so very important.

:Note, I was interrupted by tuition so my thoughts may be more disconnected than usual.

ANYways, today wasn't nearly as intensive as I thought it would be. Was nervous though, but managed to deliver my lines with satisfactory ( which means sub-par/sub-standard) emotion. I know I'm not convincing, I don't even sound convincing to myself. But, maybe I just don't express myself that way.

Which reminds me, I chose this blog's title to match what I'm feeling right now. Don't Cry Out Loud is a song that was originally sung by Melissa Manchester, but I prefer the Diana DeGarmo version. Anyway, it talks about hiding your feelings, putting up a facade. Here's the lyrics ( taken from Letssingit.com):

Baby cried the day the circus came to town
Cause she didn't want parades just passing by her
So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
While she danced without a net upon a wire
I know a lot about her cause you see
Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside
and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall
remember you almost had it all

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind their dreams among the litter
And the different kind of love she thought she crowned
There was nothing left but sawdust and some glitter
But baby can be broken cause you see
She had the finest teacher that was me
I told her:

Don't cry out loud
just keep it inside
and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall
remember you almost had it all

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside
oh and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall
remember you almost made it

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside
And learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall
remember you almost had it all

This song is really meaningful to me. It seems like the song for me, like what life has been for me. I've had to keep what I really felt to myself. Why? Because if I were to say what I truly believe and think, then I'll be even more ostracized than I am now. The line "Baby saw that when they pulled the big top down, they left behind their dreams in the litter." is especially true. How many opportunities have been wasted or, have never even ever came because people fear how our narrow-minded society will react?

When I made the decision in Primary 5 to stop being such a coward and say what I really think, I knew that it wasn't the best decision. But yet, I couldn't stand putting up such a facade anymore. It was like building a shell around myself, keeping myself in while trying to please the entire damn world. I know I pissed a lot of people off with my bluntness and biting comments, but really, someone has got to change. I'm not going to pretend to like you just because you can give me this and that and yadda. Hell NO! I'll throw all the fricking sarcastic comments I want at you.

Darn, now I'm in such a bad mood, thinking about this. Screw this...